The word I would use to describe our current adoption situation.
I quickly googled the definition of “stalled” and this is what comes up on my Iphone:
To stop running, typically because of an overload on an engine.
Stop or cause to stop making progress.
The second definition definitely applies, but the first one I find intriguing and wonder if there is some truth in that one, too.
Quick backstory: we are an adoptive family with three kids – two teenage girls and one tween boy. Our first two kids we adopted as infants from the United States, and the third adoption took place eight years ago in the middle of the coldest winter on record in Ukraine as we adopted an eight year old girl from an orphanage in Poltava. After several years of adjusting Khloe into our family, we decided to begin the process of our fourth (and hopefully final) adoption of another boy. We decided to adopt from the small baltic country of Latvia, because Erik’s entire family is from Latvia and his grandmother has an amazing WWII survival story, which you can read about here: https://permission2speakfreely.com/2016/11/29/escape-from-latvia-annas-story-part-i/
Because Erik’s parents were born in Latvia, I was able to obtain my husband’s Latvian citizenship (which in itself took several months to obtain). We had heard that being a Latvian citizen would allow us to adopt a younger, healthier child.
So, three years ago we turned in all of our paperwork (which took months to complete) to the country of Latvia and waited for a referral of a young boy between the ages of 4 and 7 (Logan was 8 at the time). We were told by our adoption coordinator that we would receive a referral of a little boy in the next few months. Yay! We were excited and hopeful.
However, as the months flew by, our excitement turned to frustration which turned to uncertainty until finally two full years passed without a referral. So we decided to change and expand our criteria so that it would increase our chances of adopting. We allowed for an older child with additional special needs, and said we would also take a sibling group. And then all of our paperwork expired and we had to do it all over again. But still nothing.
So after three years of waiting, it has dawned on us that we entered the Latvian adoption waiting pool at a time when they weren’t really letting foreigners even get into the pool in the first place. They basically stopped us as we were dipping our toes in the water and said: “we want to keep the younger, healthier Latvian kids in Latvia and we don’t want you to adopt them, so get out of the pool.”
Here is what we also learned: due to several reasons ranging from staff changes, to more emphasis on kids going into foster care (and once they enter care they cannot be adopted internationally), and an overall sour attitude about foreign adoptions, Latvia has become a very difficult country to adopt from (also see my P.S. for even bigger, more drastic changes on the horizon).
That brings us to January/February of this year (2020) as we received even worse news: in order to get back into the waiting pool for a referral, we now had to do several more hours of in-person training because Latvia refused to allow us to be grandfathered in from the old regulations (even though technically we should be).
Our adoption agency argued and pleaded with the Latvian ministry, but they would not budge.
So I asked my adoption coordinator if we could give them an ultimatum of sorts. We wrote them a letter asking them the following: if we agreed to do the 40 hours of additional training, would they give us a referral of a child or a sibling group?
To my shock and horror, they wrote back saying the following:
“We are so happy that you have chosen to adopt from Latvia, however, due to the popularity of our domestic adoption program, no, we do not anticipate you getting a referral of a child any time in the near future.”
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and went into a shock and denial stage. I have finally worked through all the stages of grief and yes, the tears have flowed:
Tears of frustration for all the time, effort, energy, and double paperwork that turned out to be for nothing.
Tears that my kids are more than three years older and still no little brother.
Tears of sadness because we really wanted to adopt a little boy.
And while we are on the topic of disappointment, I am also disappointed that all of our orphan hosting we have done over the last few years has yet to lead to an adoption. In a quick nutshell, we have hosted several kids over the last few years from Latvia and Ukraine, and for a wide variety of very legitimate reasons, our hosting experiences, while super worthwhile in many ways, have not yet led to a path towards an adoption. All is not lost as I firmly believe that hosting is a wonderful experience and ministry to the kids without parents. For more information on our experience with hosting kids, click here: https://permission2speakfreely.com/2019/04/17/orphan-hosting-and-hosting-to-adopt-ten-things-you-need-to-know/)
However, it’s still disappointing that many people have been able to adopt through orphans hosting, but for some reason our family has not.
All of this bad news has me getting very introspective and trying go figure out why God has not allowed us to adopt yet. Here are some guesses:
Maybe Logan is not ready.
This summer he confessed to me that he “doesn’t want a brother.” I asked him why and he said that he is jealous of the concept of a brother and doesn’t want to share mom and dad’s attention or love with anyone else. Interestingly, with most of the boys we have hosted, we have seen some jealous behaviors come out in Logan, but after a week or two, he has taken most of them under his wing and really enjoys spending time with each of the boys we have hosted. He always cries when they leave!
UPDATE: Logan prayed last night for a little brother for the first time!
Possibly Khloe needs more time to adjust and change before another adoption takes place.
To say that her adoption and adjustment was difficult is the understatement of the century, but Khloe is doing much better now. Yes, she struggles with anger and attachment issues, but overall, things are much improved. Could it be that she needs more time to heal and to change?
It’s not God’s will for us to adopt any more kids.
I have considered this too but after many years of praying and even “not praying” for a long period of time, we still have a strong desire to add more kids to our family. We are in good mental and physical and financial health. I am always praying the “May God’s will be done” type of prayer over this situation. But right now, we are both in faith and desire to add to our family.
Maybe we are supposed to adopt from a different country or from the U.S.
We are very open to looking into the country of Columbia. We plan to host a boy or sibling group this summer. All the kids who participate from Columbia in the hosting program are free and clear for international adoption. I am also in the process of doing research on adopting from the foster care system. This is a process which will take some time, along with about 40 hours of additional training. I have been open to adopting locally from the start but due to many factors, we went in a different direction.
It is getting much harder to adopt internationally. Adoptions are down something like 80% over the last ten years. Maybe it’s nothing personal, but we are just wrapped up in an overall general statistic.
However, that leads me to right now. How am I supposed to respond to this unfair situation?
I am learning that with all seemingly unfair situations, I have to both look back at the way God has been so good to me in the past, and then look around at the good that is happening right now.
We hosted Lasma, who is now 19 years old, from Latvia. I never would have been looking into orphan hosting from Latvia had we not been trying to adopt from there. Now I consider her my daughter and she constantly calls me her mom. I tell her all the time that she is a great kid and that it’s so unfair that she had crappy parents because she deserves so much better. I am so glad we met Lasma and again, we never would have met her had I not been dialed in to Latvia. I am glad that she is our new “adopted” daughter!
We also met Nina who is a wonderful ten year old from Ukraine. I can’t say much about this situation but we are quietly working on a plan to adopt her in the future! We will keep you posted!
Logan and Khloe have been developing and maturing and growing. Maybe they were supposed to do that for a lot longer than I would have preferred!
I thought it was unfair that I had such a difficult childhood, but I realize that it made me into the strong and resourceful person I am today.
I used to struggle because most of my friends didn’t have to work the hours I did to pay my way through college, until I learned that working so much helped me to develop a very strong work ethic that has stayed with me to this day.
I used to struggle that I never had a boyfriend, until I met my awesome husband and then was relieved that I didn’t have to deal with losers my whole life waiting for him.
I used to think it was so unfair that Erik and I struggle with infertility, but then I look at the faces of my beautiful children and realize we weren’t meant to have biological children for some reason, because the kids we have were meant for us and we were meant for them.
It seems unfair that I wasted so much time on trying to adopt from Latvia, but then I realized that my time is God’s time. If this is how God wanted me to spend my time (which I think was a waste), then I need to be ok with that. Maybe someday I will understand.
In conclusion, God is in the middle of this unfair situation. Why did He allow it? Why didn’t He prompt Latvia to let us know to move on with our lives years ago? I have no idea. God is writing the story of our family, and we are smack in the middle of a difficult chapter. But I know at the very end of the day, it will work out the way it’s supposed to and I will have peace and joy as I look over the faces of all the kids he has brought into my life, both the ones we have adopted and the ones we have hosted.
And that, my friends, is the latest on our adoption situation. Please pray for us!
It has been over a month since I originally wrote this post and two things have happened since then. One, Latvia came dangerously close to shutting down all international adoptions. Not just ours, but all international adoptions. Latvia is in the process of “figuring things out” with respect to international adoption. I guess I don’t feel quite so bad that they rejected us.
Second, the coronavirus – it has literally shut down the world. First, of course, I pray for the safety of the world as well as all of my Dear Readers. Second – I cannot imagine the impact that COVID19 will have on adoptions – both locally and internationally. I am praying a very general “God, please help us to complete our family” prayer without a lot of specificity and just trusting that He is bigger than any country closing or any horrific virus descending. We hope to host from Columbia this summer while we continue to check out local options. Thanks for reading! Stay safe out there everyone! 3/23/2020