Did you ever play with the Ouija board as a teenager at a slumber party? Or find one in your grandma’s attic and give it a try? Or did you walk past a Stranger Things version of the board at Target and pick one up out of curiosity? How about making one from scratch using a pen, paper, and deodorant cap and then seeing if it would work at a Christian summer camp?

Before I start this post, I need to add a qualifier:

My Ouija board story is not that compelling.  Rather, it is interesting – as are most stories about the paranormal.  

Also – this blog post is divided up into five quick parts.  First, my story.  Second, the short history of Ouija boards.  Third, a question: are Ouija boards innocent board games or sinister gateways to spirits?  Fourth, the bottom line on evil spirits.  Finally, closing thoughts and advice to parents.

My Ouija board story:

When I was 13 or 14 years old and in the beginning of my teenage rebellious stage, my parents sent me to a weeklong Christian summer camp in upstate New York called Delta Lake Youth Camp.  One afternoon, a few (also rebellious) friends and I were were huddled together in our cabin, staring down at a hastily assembled Ouija board made with a sheet of paper and an upside down deodorant cap.  I had quickly written out the alphabet and then put “YES” in one corner and “NO” in the other one.  

We were good to go. 

One girl, Paula, stood to the side with a frown on her face.  She was the oddball sincere Christian girl stuck with a bunch of not-as-good girls in a small cabin.  

And although I had been warned that Ouija boards were a doorway for the devil himself, my curiosity got the best of me and I found myself across from a friend with the planchette (aka deodorant cap) between us, asking innocent teenager questions. 

“Does Derick like me?”  I asked the board.  Derick was a blond-haired, blue-eyed boy at camp that I had a crush on.

I had two fingers on one side of the deodorant cap, and my friend had two fingers on the other side.  For a moment, nothing happened.  Then slowly, the cap between us moved to YES.

“Did you move it?”  I asked my friend who was playing with me.  She nodded no, with wide eyes.

We asked it more questions, with the board moving on its own each time.

“See, it works!” I told my friend Melanie, a skeptic.

I then asked it another question: “who do you want to play?”  (Meaning, who of us girls – and there were about six of us – would the Ouija want to interact with?)

Immediately the board sprung to life and spelled out P – A – U – L – A.  The cap moved so quickly and with such force – completely on its own.  

We all turned to look at Paula, who turned as white as a sheet and then abruptly left the cabin.  After that, we felt compelled to stop the game, as we were all thoroughly freaked out.  Later, both Melanie and I regretted our decision to interact with the board and never touched it again.

Quick history on Ouija Boards:

Ouija boards started out as Talking Boards, as a way for grieving families to communicate with their dead loved ones.  According to Wikipedia:

As a part of the spiritualist movement, mediums began to employ various means for communication with the dead. Following the American Civil War in the United States, mediums did significant business in presumably allowing survivors to contact lost relatives. The ouija itself was created and named in Baltimore, Maryland, in 1890, but the use of talking boards was so common by 1886 that news reported the phenomenon taking over the spiritualists’ camps in Ohio.^[12]

Science debunks the Ouija board and credits it to involuntary movement (with studies to back this up), however there is much anecdotal evidence and witness testimony to support the claims that Ouija boards are a tool to communicate with spirits.  

Are Ouija boards innocent or sinister?

Before I give my personal thoughts, below are two opinions from men who regularly interact with the paranormal and have heard hundreds of Ouija board stories.  To my knowledge, these men are not overly religious and are only forming their opinions based on stories they have heard firsthand, or their own direct knowledge.  

Tony Brueski, the popular podcaster of Real Ghost Stories Online (I am a subscriber!), was asked his opinion of Ouija boards during a facebook live webcast, and he said the following: “No- don’t go for it. It’s one of the those things where things could go horribly wrong very quickly, and it’s hard to know what may actually end up happening with your situation. So I would never suggest using it.” (October 20, 2017 Facebook Live, 18 minute mark.) Tony has heard close to 200 Ouija board stories on his thousands of podcasts.  He stated in another podcast that only 1 in 200 Ouija board stories he has heard are beneficial to the participant. (To hear a very compelling Ouija board story from Tony’s podcast, click here:  http://www.thegravetalks.com/the-devils-board/)

Another popular ghost hunter who has his own TV show (Ghost Hunters), Jason Hawes, had this to say about the Ouija board: “You’re asking something to enter you, and you’re opening yourself up to a world of trouble.  You’re asking something to use you as a puppet. I would never open myself to it.”  (source: https://kslnewsradio.com/1913712/ghost-hunters-biggest-fear-has-nothing-to-do-with-ghosts/)

Below are three (legitimate) Amazon reviews of Ouija boards for your consideration:

Okay so I bought this because I don’t believe in all that spirit or ghost talk type of junk. But I can honestly say so many crazy things was happening in my house after we open it up, we didn’t even play with it!! THINGS DISAPPEARED AND REAPPEARED more than once my husband thought I was lying until he dropped his lighter outside and couldn’t find, followed by the next day his lighter was sitting on the kitchen table! Wtf!!!! (Key Martin, Reviewed in the United States on December 9, 2018.)

Listen, I bought this thinking I could use it to talk to my grandma. Instead, I made contact with a demon that openly admitted to wanting to hurt me. Since purchasing and using the board, the span of less than one week, I have been scratched twice, my sister and I have both heard knocking, I heard breathing, tapping, and knocking tonight alone. Also, my sister left for college and obviously turned her light off but I saw when I left my room that it was still on, 12 hours later. This thing worked but is no joke. Also, DO NOT PLAY ALONE!!! This allows easier manipulation and possible possession.  (ExoticShawol reviewed a product · Aug 5, 2017.)

And just to be fair and balanced, here is one five star review:  I was a skeptic to be honest. But with just a little practice my daughter and I were able to speak with dead relatives in no time. Knowing that those who have passed are still around and we have a way to contact them has been amazing. Just be careful, sometimes bored spirits will try and pass themselves off as people you know just to mess with you. If that happens, just know that you will likely have to move to a new house, and in some cases they may follow you and you may need to seek out a professional to help with their removal.  (DavidDoesReviews Reviewed in the United States on July 29, 2018.). (Heather’s note: ummm – and this was a five star review?)

My opinion: I believe that Ouija boards can be/are definitely doorways for an evil spirit to communicate with you.  I truly believe that we were interacting with a demon that day many years ago at our Christian camp.  

“But what about using the board to communicate with dead relatives?” one may ask.  There is a very long answer to this question, but the short one is this: I do not believe you are communicating with your dead relative, but rather with an evil spirit who is purporting to be your dead relative.  I think there is a small place for human spirits to come down from heaven for a specific reason (at God’s command and for God’s purposes), but interacting with you through a Ouija Board is not one of those reasons.  More on this in a future post.

The Bottom line on demons/evil spirits:

I have been a committed Christian since my teen years and have studied this topic extensively. Here is what I have learned about evil spirits: 

Evil spirits cause fear, distract, destroy, divert, discourage and overall deceive a person so they will never have a relationship with God through Jesus Christ.  Evil spirits/demons are underlings of Satan and do his work, and they can oppress both Christians and those who do not have a Christian faith.

Anything you do to open up a doorway to them is a very bad thing that you should overall avoid.  If you open up a door to them, there is a remedy to close that door, and no, it’s not pointing the planchette to “goodbye” and other ways people say is the proper way to rid yourself of the spirit.  Here it is: first, try prayer.  God is a very loving and merciful God.  Ask God to help you to get rid of the evil spirits you have let into your home and into your life.  You can also consider repenting of your sin of interacting with demons and receive God’s forgiveness.  Then pray that God will make the evil spirits leave you, in Jesus’ name.  If you are already a believer in Jesus Christ, God gives you the authority to make the demons leave you in Jesus’ name.  Luke 10:19 says this: “I give unto you the authority to trample on serpents and scorpions, and to overcome all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall by any means harm you.”  

The bottom line of ridding your life of evil spirits after playing the board?  Pray to God to help you to get rid of them.  Then get rid of the board.   

Closing thoughts and advice to parents:

I do believe that interacting with a Ouija board opens a doorway of some kind for evil spirits to not only interact with you, but then potentially lead you down some path either towards more paranormal involvement, or – worst case – the spirit will think he has the right to set up shop in your bedroom at night and harass and terrify you.

If your teenager asks you what you think of the Ouija board, tell him or her to run for the hills.  If you find out they have been playing with it, ask them how they are doing with that, and ask if they have sensed any changes in themselves or in the home since they began playing with it.  If they say yes (or no!), walk them through the above steps.  And then help them to stop.

Remember, evil spirits want to cause fear, or distract/discourage someone away from turning to God (or turn someone from more closely following God).  By contrast, remember Jesus’ words: “The thief (Satan and his evil spirits) comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life – and and have it to the full.” (John 10:10)

If you are looking to interact with a spirit, why don’t you consider interacting with the Holy Spirit through prayer?  Ask God to come into your life and reveal Himself to you, speak to you, and fill your life with His goodness and love. Read the book of Mark in the Bible.  It’s short, sweet, and to the point; it gives the bottom line of Jesus’ earthly ministry.  

So leave that sinister Ouija board at the Amazon facility (or Target) where it belongs, and warn your kids not to play with it at their friends’ slumber parties – or at Christian summer camps.  

You will all be much happier and safer for it.

__________________________________________________________

PS: this video shows objects moving on their own and many other scary things – all because people chose to use the board!! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lszt7kmEDNw

PSS: do you have a Ouija Board story?  I’m sure yours is way more interesting than mine.  Feel free to share it below!!!

My husband’s grandmother Anna barely survived World War II as she navigated war-torn Europe with her young daughter, Irena, in the 1940s.  The two of them were on the last train out of Dresden, Germany before it was leveled. Irena eventually survived the war, grew up, got married, and had three sons. Her middle son, Erik, is my husband. Had Irena been killed during the war, my husband would never have been born.

If Erik had never been born, I never would have married him and we never would have adopted our three beautiful kiddos.  All of my kids have different birth stories, and I am not sure where they would be today had we not adopted them (especially our daughter Khloe, whom we adopted out of an orphanage in Ukraine).  

Lineage matters. 

There is one very obscure story in the Old Testament found in the book of 2nd Kings.  In this story, there was a very close call in Jesus’ lineage.

Back in the days of the Old Testament, Israel’s Kings had many, many sons through many different wives and concubines.  However, at this particular time in Israel’s history, their country was in a very sinful and unstable place, and due to the acts of one crazy, murderous woman named Athaliah, the royal line of King David was reduced to one heir.  

This is important because the Old Testament foretells that the Messiah must come from the Davidic line. 

Had that one baby been killed, there would be no Messiah.  

In 2 Kings chapter 11:1-3 we read:

When Athaliah (crazy grandmother who was also the Queen) the mother of Ahaziah (the current King) saw that her son was dead, she proceeded to destroy the whole royal family. But Jehosheba, (the girl you have never heard of) the daughter of King Jehoram and sister of Ahaziah, took Joash son of Ahaziah (the one little baby left in Jesus’ line) and stole him away from among the royal princes, who were about to be murdered. She put him and his nurse (the hero unnamed nurse who took care of the one remaining baby) in a bedroom to hide him from Athaliah; so he was not killed. He remained hidden with his nurse at the temple of the Lord for six years while Athaliah ruled the land (and then the little boy became King and all was well again and the Davidic line was preserved).

Essentially, the Davidic line was reduced to one baby, and Aunt Jehosheba saved his life.  

By saving him, she saved the eventual Messiah.  

By saving the eventual Messiah, she paved the way for Jesus to save the world.  

It’s like something out of a Terminator movie, with Jehosheba playing the role of Arnold Schwarzenegger (after he became good, of course).  

Jehosheba is mentioned only once in the Bible.  Her story is summarized in just three verses.  But because of her bravery and quick-thinking, she saved the Christmas story.

Two closing points: 

One, you have no idea how the small action you take today can have a profound impact on not only your future, but the future of the world.

Two, God often uses obscure, unseen people to accomplish a huge portion of His will.

You never know what God has planned for you life, and how He may use you to change the world!  

We celebrate Christmas because God used one obscure woman, Jehosheba, to eventually bring about the coming Messiah.

Merry Christmas!

Hark, now hear the angels sing, a new king born today.  And man will live forevermore, because of Christmas day!

When I tuck-in my son tonight, it will be his last tuck-in as a ten year-old little boy.

Many moms and dads know the feeling.  A few days before your child’s birthday, you start thinking thoughts like the following:

“Wow, this is the last week she will be five.”

“In a few days he will turn seven.”

“I can’t believe she is almost done with her first year of preschool.”

“Wow, this is the last night I will tuck him in as a ten year-old boy.”

Maybe you don’t have kids, but you are astonished at how rapidly your niece and nephew have grown since the last time you saw them.  

I believe that children are one of the biggest markers of time that God uses to grab our attention and to let us know that we are all rapidly hurtling towards eternity.  But regret, time-management, and getting ready for eternity is the topic of the post found here: https://permission2speakfreely.com/2018/05/24/time-flowing-like-a-river-to-the-sea-timely-thoughts-about-life-regret-eternity-and-benjamin-button/

The post that you are reading is about one line in a poem that has stuck with me since my son was a baby.  Here is a portion of the poem, with the velcro-line in bold.  

To My Grown-Up Son – by Alice E. Chase

My hands were busy through the day,

I didn’t have much time to play

The little games you asked me to,

I didn’t have much time for you.

I’d wash your clothes; I’d sew and cook,

But when you’d bring your picture book

And ask me, please, to share your fun,

I’d say, “A little later, son.”

I’d tuck you in all safe at night,

And hear your prayers, turn out the light,

Then tiptoe softly to the door,

I wish I’d stayed a minute more.

I wish I’d stayed a minute more.

That’s the line that stayed with me so many nights when I was bone tired, and my husband was traveling, but Logan asked me to please read him another book.

That’s the line that lingered when I felt like ending the tuck-in early so I could go downstairs and binge-watch my favorite TV show.

That’s the line that haunted me after I was already downstairs watching said TV program and Logan would call to me in his sweet little boy voice and ask if I could give him another tuck-in.

“Fine,” I would say in a grumpy way.  But then that line would flash though my mind, and I would get my lazy butt off the couch and go give my kid some extra love.

Time is flying my friends, and there is very little you can do about it except enjoy each moment, take in certain details, and spend those extra moments soaking in the inconvenience of it all because it’s worth it in the end.

How is it worth it?  Because you will have no regrets.  You will always know you spent that extra few minutes with your kids throughout the course of their growing up years.

Honestly, that feeling of regret is probably the biggest reason I made a deliberate decision to be a stay at home parent.  I had a wonderful and “important” career on Capitol Hill that I gave up in order to stay home and shape my kids.

Do I regret it? No.  But sometimes I get a little jealous of my working mom friends, because they seem to have it all.  But then I know that I am right where God wants me: shaping and loving my three kids as a stay at home mom for the few short years I have them.

Time is flying!  And we are all getting older. Before you know it, your kids will be out of the house.  Take the time to spend with your kids right here, right now, tonight – before it’s too late.  Even if they are already teenagers or 20- somethings.

They still want you and need you, even when they are all grown up,

Don’t be like this Alice B. Chase lady who has deep regrets.  Pull a Benjamin Button on yourself and figure out what you might regret not doing with (and for) your kids, and for the love of so many things: do it!  

DO IT NOW.

In closing, a few quick ideas to get your started on that whole quality time love language thing:

Go visit your kids at school (during their lunch is a great time). 

Try to make it to all of their baseball/hockey/soccer/football games.  Be their biggest fan!

Take them with you when you run your errands. 

If they ask you to play with them, PLAY WITH THEM ON THEIR LEVEL. 

Read to them.  Take walks with them.  Bake and cook with them. 

Let them sit on your lap.  Look into their eyes.  

• 

Tell them you love them!

When you tuck them in at night, give them an extra long tuck-in, because tomorrow they are turning 11.

Kids spell the word love: T I M E.  So give them that time that they need and deserve!  You will never regret it.  

In closing, the poem in it’s entirety:

My hands were busy through the day,

I didn’t have much time to play

The little games you asked me to,

I didn’t have much time for you.

I’d wash your clothes; I’d sew and cook,

But when you’d bring your picture book

And ask me, please, to share your fun,

I’d say, “A little later, son.”

I’d tuck you in all safe at night,

And hear your prayers, turn out the light,

Then tiptoe softly to the door,

I wish I’d stayed a minute more.

For life is short, and years rush past,

A little boy grows up so fast,

No longer is he at your side,

His precious secrets to confide.

The picture books are put away,

There are no children’s games to play,

No goodnight kiss, no prayers to hear,

That all belongs to yesteryear.

My hands once busy, now lie still,

The days are long and hard to fill,

I wish I might go back and do,

The little things you asked me to.

“Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone.” – Andy Stanley

(NOTE: All orphan hosting is on pause during the COVID pandemic. At least that I know of. Hosting will hopefully resume during the summer of 2021.)

Our family is planning to host an eight year old orphan from the Ukraine this summer.  If all goes well, we are open to adopting him.  This will be our fourth experience hosting orphans using three different hosting agencies.

In the following post, I want to tell you why we continue to host orphans, share briefly about the seven kids we have hosted over the years, and then provide you with the Top Ten Things you need to know about orphan hosting.  It is my hope that by the end of this post, your heart will be more inclined to maybe consider hosting for yourself and your family. 

The reason our family continues to host orphans is because God has given us a heart for children that are without loving families and kids that have been rejected.  I have been rejected many times over during the course of my life, especially during my childhood, and God has since healed me. And now I’d like to give back and be an instrument of love and change in a child’s life.  My desire is to show these kids without a family that God loves them, we love them, and they have inherent worth as human beings despite the difficulties and hurt they have faced in their young lives.  The other reason is that we are hoping to host to adopt.  More on that in a moment.  

Another reason we host is because we believe it pleases God and accomplishes his purposes. To start, God Himself is their Father: “Father of the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God is his holy dwelling.” (Psalm 68:5) And the Bible commands his followers to look after them: “religion that our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their time of distress, and keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” (James 1:27) If caring for the orphan is important to God, I feel like it should be important to me and my family, too.

I wanted to take a moment to tell you about all the kiddos we have hosted over the years.  All of these very brief stories will give you a well-rounded picture of what orphan hosting may be like if you decide to do it.  

Dennis: “Dennis the Menace” had behavior issues and would blow right past the boundaries I set for him. He was also sneaky and foolhardy. Dennis had been hosted before and knew the words “Waterpark” and “Rollercoaster” quite well and immediately asked if we could go do both of them.  One time Claire caught Dennis literally one second from killing all the fish in her fish tank when she walked into her own bedroom and saw him, with an evil grin on his face, right before he dumped a whole tub of liquid detergent into the fish tank. 😱 Another time we found Dennis pouring water down the kiddie slide at the park and making a huge mud puddle at the bottom of the slide while all the three year olds and their parents watched in horror. 😶 When Dennis wasn’t being difficult, he was a fun kid to have around, got along great with my son Logan (Logan cried his guts out when he left), he played well with the neighborhood kids, he could be sweet and affectionate with host mom, he was quite funny, and one night he received Jesus Christ as his savior.  Even for just that one event, it was worth it to host Dennis. When we drove him to the airport so he could go back to Latvia, he cried. At that moment I realized that we meant more to him than I realized.

Sasha: Sasha had special needs that became evident within the first few moments of hosting him.  My heart sank when I saw him flapping his arms and jumping up and down in the corner of our living room within ten minutes of him coming into our home.  The description we had of him beforehand turned out to be inaccurate.  BUT…we loved him anyway and I tried to take care of him the best I could.  I talked to him, prayed for him, took him on fun family outings, fed him, smiled a ton at him, and gave him a super fun week in our home (he was then transferred into a family who had experience with special needs). Sasha taught me that all children have worth and that God loves them too.  Note: it is very unusual for a child’s hosting description to be so incorrect. I guess God just had a plan for us to host him.

Misha and Masha: This sibling group was a busy small force of energy and activity.  The girl, Masha (we had fun calling out Masha! Masha! Masha!) was very easy and independent and played by herself all day long. She loved to watch Frozen and would sing “Let it Go” all day and night in our home!  Her brother Misha was a handsome boy with a huge heart and competitive drive, but he was foolhardy and didn’t always listen to me.  Although Misha did struggle with behavior issues, he was also very sweet. He loved to bake with me, play with Logan, and he was sweet and affectionate with Erik. It was so cool to see Erik giving him the fatherly love he was longing for.  We told both of them about God’s love for them demonstrated the love of a family to them.  

Lasma, Samantha, and Daniel.  So this past winter I really went for it!  I decided to host three kids at the same time, right during a major kitchen remodel, with no local family support.  Oh, and we had just moved to a new state!  And I’m so glad I did because this past winter (2018) was by far the best hosting experience we have ever experienced!  In the fall when I began perusing hosting websites looking at adorable kiddos, I intended to only host potentially adoptable kids.  After a lot of internal wrestling and prayer, I settled on two kids in a guardian situation who were potentially adoptable. But I also kept going back to an older girl, age 17, who seemed different and special.  There was something about that kept drawing me back.  So I prayed and decided to host her too. And I’m so glad I did!  Lasma was an amazing addition to our family and was a complete joy to have around.  She literally helped me around the house multiple times a day with cooking and cleaning (of her own accord – no pressure from me). Here was a typical conversation:

Lasma: “Hea-der. I only helped you three times today.  I help you seven more times.”

Me: “Lasma, hon.  You are here to relax and be in my family.  I love you. You don’t have to work for me.  You already helped me three times.  Relax.”

Lasma: “No, I help you. Give me broom.  Broom is my friend.”   

And then little Samantha would come up to me while Lasma was sweeping and say: “help you?”  In fact, “help you” was the first two English words Samantha learned on her own. The two girls would almost compete with each other to help me and they actually wanted to (unlike other humans I know who live with me who shall remain nameless….). The three of us girls had a great time preparing meals in my recently remodeled kitchen.  For several nights Lasma cooked me dinner while I drank wine and relaxed. These three host kids were all good kids, well behaved, listened to host mom, got along great with my own kids, and it was so fun to have six kids all playing happily together screen free in different pockets of our new house.  

Lastly – this is the cutie we plan to host this summer.  We are hosting him through https://www.frontierhorizon.org.His description is encouraging.  We’ve seen videos of him and we are looking forward to hosting him!  (There are other kiddos still available for summer hosting on their website.)

Below are the Top Ten Things you need to know about orphan hosting in a Q and A format.  

1.  What is Orphan Hosting and give me some general facts:

In brief, orphan hosting is when you invite an orphan into your home for a short period of time (about four weeks, perhaps a bit more) in order to show them the love of a family.  There is a to do list of paperwork and you have to pay for the child’s flight and other expenses, and then you let the kid schlep around with you wherever you go for that four week period.  There are several hosting agencies, a few countries they work with, and two hosting seasons: Christmas and summer. For more detailed information on hosting in general click here: https://www.kidsave.org/host-a-child-mentor-a-child/

2.  Which foreign countries participate in hosting programs?

Ukraine, Latvia, Colombia, Phillipines, Kyrgystan, Nicaragua, Sierra Leone, China, and other countries.  Please use google for more information.

3.  What are the main hosting agencies? 

We have used three different hosting agencies: 

New Horizons for Children (http://nhfc.org)

Host Children (hostchildren.org)

and Frontier Horizons (https://www.frontierhorizon.org).  I have most recently hosted through Frontier Horizons and Host Children.

Here are a few I’ve heard of but have never hosted through: 

Rainbow Kids: https://www.rainbowkids.com/hosting-a-child/hosting-programs, 

Project 143 www.p143.org.

BB: http://www.bbinternationaladoption.com/Colombian-Child-Holiday-Hosting-Program – (BB hosts kids from Colombia. They have very short programs so this might be a good one to look into.  And they claim that the children are already cleared for adoption!)

Project 143 has a great Q and A on their website about hosting in general.

I also just found out that Madison Adoption Associates participates in orphan hosting. Please google them.

4.  What are the pros and cons of hosting?

The pros are that you give an orphan the love of a family for a few weeks.  If you are a person of religious faith, you can introduce your host kid to God’s love as well.  There are other benefits such as your children seeing your example and sharing their toys and their time.  They will get a little less self-centered and more giving and flexible through hosting.  Also – all the kids (yours and the host kids) really bond and it’s honestly and truly a lot of fun to have more kids in the house.  I’m not kidding.  You will have to host to believe me on this.  Cons: it can be hard and the kids can be not what you expected.  It can be tiring for the host mom if she thinks it’s “all on her.”  It takes work and there can be frustrations. The other con is that I’ve heard that some orphanage directors are not always completely accurate or honest about America or the hosting experience (at least this is what I have heard). The kids can cry when they go, and you feel bad.

5. Can I host to adopt?  (if you are not interested in hosting to adopt, please feel free to skip to number 6.)

Absolutely!!  But it’s getting harder to do. At least in some countries. I will add that hosting to adopt is a lot easier if you are open to older kids, larger sibling groups, and kids with potential special needs.  

Let me give you a very realistic model of what will happen when you attempt to host to adopt and you want as much information on the child beforehand as possible.  First, you get on a hosting website and peruse it.  You see a bunch of super cute kids that you are drawn to.  Some are sibling groups of two and you think “cool, I’m open to siblings.”  So you make an inquiry of the hosting coordinator.  So you send an email and say: “Hey Lilia! (actual host coordinator or hostchildren.org, who is great and her story is below). Can you give me more information on B142 and whether or not he is clear for adoption?”

Below are a few ways she will answer you: (I have heard literally all of these a number of times each from several different coordinators. Below are possible responses for Latvia and Ukraine.)

• No, the child is not available for adoption, sorry. 
• I’m so sorry, but unfortunately, we have no information on their adoption status.  
• Yes, they are available, but you need to know that the child has two older siblings, ages 13 and 15.  You would have to adopt them too.
• The children are in a guardian situation, and while it’s possible to adopt from that situation, it’s tricky, and the guardian would have to sign off on it and other things would need to happen. 
• The child is in a foster care situation and a new law was just passed stating that you cannot adopt a child in foster care. 
• He is available for adoption but there is an issue with his sister so they would have to legally separate them for the adoption to occur. 

So while it is humanly possible to host to adopt, with changing laws and changing attitudes and foster care this and guardian that, and the uncertainty of adoption in the first place, it’s getting harder.  I also had a friend who hosted to adopt and they were all set to adopt the child, and then at the last minute he changed his mind.  Adoption is a difficult thing sometimes.  

But have many people done it?  Absolutely.  Let me briefly explain how hosting to adopt works.  First, you host the orphan and determine that “hey, I think we could adopt this kiddo.”  Hopefully, your child is indeed available for adoption. And then you just start the adoption process, and most host agencies are streamlined to set you right up with an agency.  International adoption can take a decent amount of time and is a lot of work (and money). Each country is a bit different but once you settle on an adoption agency, they will walk you through the process. And for the sake of brevity, that’s all I will say on this topic.

6. Can I just host just to host, with no adoption interest?

100 percent yes!  In fact, I would say that this is a great way to host. Just think of it as a four week investment for both you, your family, and the host kid. Give them love. And have fun!

7.  What if we both (host mom and host dad) work full time.  Can we still host?

Yes! It’s much easier to do if you have local family support OR paid, consistent reliable child care support, and if you and your husband can each work from home every other week or have a flexible work schedule, etc.  Some hosting agencies allow you to place your child in a licensed day camp.  You would need to identify those hosting agencies and host through them.  So yes, whatever you are doing during the day with your other kids, theoretically you could do with your host kids.  I would just say though that the more time that the host kiddo can get with you and your family within the context of you home, the better.  And the more flexible and less intense your own work schedule can be, the better.

8.  Can I put the child in a summer camp if I need to?

Yes.  I must say that I have never once used a summer camp while I hosted because I thought “I should be here with the child 24/7.”  But honestly, I just learned that I can do this (some hosting agencies allow this) and I plan to put our host kid in a day camp or two with my other kids (I am talking one or two weeks out of four or five).  I can say that if you do not use a day camp ever, you will feel like it’s all on you and it can be tiring to feel like you have to entertain them all day long (but you don’t, see the next question).  If you choose a summer camp, work carefully with the camp staff as the child will likely speak limited English and may not even be able to swim. 

9.  What do you do with the host kids all day long?

The short answer is whatever you are normally doing with your own kids.  You don’t have kids?  Then whatever is in your capacity to do with some emphasis on what you think they would like to do.  I used to think I had to entertain them continually but after Dennis left and it took me a week to recover, I knew I had to find a better way.  Now, I take the pressure off and use a “one boring day, one more fun day” model.  On “boring days” we stay home, I get stuff done (including working part time), we play games like UNO and other simple games, they play outside, etc.  The host kids are perfectly fine on boring days and I often find them doing their own thing quite happily with no adult intervention.  🙂 On “more fun” days we go out and do stuff.  Sometimes it’s super simple and cheap things like going to a (free) park and getting a $1 McDonald’s vanilla ice cream cone. Anyone reading this blog post I think can handle that.  🙂 Other days we do more involved activities like go to a pool, or go on a major outing like a theme park or ice skating or camping or the beach.  You live on a farm?  Have the host kiddo help you with farm chores.  You live in the city?  Take your kiddo to a free museum.  Have a pond with small fish in your neighborhood?  Give them some worms and a rod and a little snack and let them fish. Taking your own kid to his soccer game or swim meet? Take the host kid too. Stuff like that. Don’t go crazy.  The pressure is off.  Just love them. And have fun!  But it doesn’t have to be super fancy stuff.

10.  What if the kids have behavioral issues?

So I would be lying to say that there are no behavior issues, but lot of times they are not super major and can be handled.  Ask yourself (if you are a parent) “do my own kids sometimes have behavior issues?” If they answer is yes, then imagine how hard and strange it is (yet exciting and rewarding) it would be to come to a new country and only speak limited English and try to fit into an already existing family? Most issues can be easily resolved with loving boundaries and google translate.  You can also call the chaperone.  Or, you can be like me and host an awesome older kiddo who speaks the language fluently and can whip the younger kids into shape.  Seriously though, the bottom line is that the hosting coordinator or chaperone is a call away, a face time away, or a What’s Ap away and can definitely deal with the kiddos.  

Important point: the orphanage directors and the in-country hosting staff do their very best to select the kids who have the best chance of doing well during the hosting season.  If they have severe behavior issues where they currently live then they are not a good candidate for hosting.

One last thing: only two kids out of seven we have hosted had behavior issues. The three girls were all a complete joy with no issues.  One boy had complaining and pouting issues but again we used google translate and the chaperone to help us.  The issues were resolved.

11.  (bonus) How do I communicate with my host kid? (if they don’t speak English)

It’s much easier than you think using Google translate (an Ap), charades, gestures, and using common words like toilet, pizza, host mom, host dad, yes and no, etc. They study a little English, you study a little ______.  Call the chaperone and tell them what’s going on; he/she will translate for you. You develop a groove and you end up speaking Spanglish (or the appropriate country derivative) and they end up speaking Russ-glish, Ukraine-glish, or Chinese-glish.  It’s all good.  You will be ok.  Trust me, this is the last thing you need to worry about.  

12. Last Question: What is the best thing about hosting?

For me personally, it’s knowing that I can impact one person for good.  I can make one small difference in a child’s life.  I can possibly even change the trajectory of that child’s life by my sacrifice and time and energy.  God blesses me back every time I host.  He gives me the grace and strength to do it.  I love knowing that the kids all learn about God and His love in our home.  My kids are better for it, and so is my husband.  And so am I! It takes a leap of faith I know…but it’s well worth it.  You feel good knowing you are giving a wounded kiddo a loving home for a short period of time. And you really end up liking and loving the kids.  It’s truly a self-sacrificial win-win. 

I am closing this post with an email I received from my winter host coordinator named Lilia.  I had no idea she had once been hosted many years ago!  And her story sums up the entire point of hosting: you never know how one act of love can be used to completely change the trajectory of a child’s entire life.  And that’s the bottom line of why we continue to host.  😊

Heather –

Every time I greet our host children and families at the arrival airport, my mind is momentarily taken back to the time I was hosted myself. A long time has passed since I was hosted, but my recollection of the  experience is still very fresh in my mind.

I was so honored and grateful to have been hosted together with my sister, who is a year and a half older than me. Two teen girls are not likely candidates to get hosted, we thought. How pleasantly surprised were we when the director of our orphanage shared the exciting news with us that a family in America wants to host us!

For the first time in my life I got to celebrate my birthday with an actual birthday party that my host family organized just for me. Our host mom invited family and friends, had special decorations and cake in my honor, but I do not think that she realized just how much that meant to me. Was I really important to someone, I thought? Important enough to have them put together this wonderful birthday party? Did someone genuinely care about me even though they just met me? I will never forget that day and I will always be grateful for the wonderful host experience my sister and I had.

My sister and I were fortunate enough to be adopted and we are grateful beyond words. My sister has a degree in International Business and works at a law firm. I am a Host Program Director and have the privilege of organizing and running host programs for orphaned children around the world. I am a mother to an amazing son and am thankful every day for the way our lives turned out.

Hosting goes beyond a memorable vacation for the children. It is the feelings of belonging, of being cared and loved that serve as validation of their worth, which they so deeply need and desire. Please consider hosting a child this summer. Not only will you provide the children with an unforgettable experience, but you will also change their life and give them hope for their future. Thank you for reading my story,

Lilia

PS: to just take a peek at the kids available for hosting, go to any of the websites listed above and/or also visit Host Children (hostchildren.org) and Frontier Horizons (https://www.frontierhorizon.org)

PSS: if you would like to read a post about the power of doing good to one person at a time, please read this: https://permission2speakfreely.com/2017/05/14/small-things-with-great-love/

Thanks for reading!! And if you have any questions about hosting, please feel free to leave them in the comment section. 😊

By Sandie Brown, guest blogger

I will always remember working my first shift on the Lounge side at the Ground Round restaurant in Lynchburg, VA, where I was working my way through college in the early 1990’s.  I was only 19 years old and this was my first job in the restaurant business.  Every time I walked past by a set of booths, some guy was cat-calling me (“hey cutie, how ya doing?”), which left his girlfriend threatening me to assault me (“girl, I’m going to beat the sh*&^%$t out of you”), all because I was doing my job and seating people.  I began to cry and went to my amazing boss Stan and told him that I didn’t think this job was for me. He calmly reassured me this was no typical night. 

I managed to suck it up and lasted a few years more at the Dirt Circle, as the staff called it, moving through the ranks of hostess, waitress, and assistant manager. I had no business being a manager as I had no idea what I was doing!  I thought my main job was to count the money and run the reports (and study for my classes at school). The staff would often play jokes on me, and there were many nights I closed the restaurant by myself, walking out in complete darkness at 2 in the morning.

Working almost 30 hours a week and taking a full class load was not for the faint of heart, but waitressing my way through college taught me many valuable life lessons, and below are just a few of them, mostly using the phrases of the business that Heather used in her previous post, found here.

1. Waitressing can be a real “meet” market, in a good way. During my 8 years of waiting tables, the best thing I learned is that it is very possible to make some great friendships with coworkers and regular customers – and those relationships can last a lifetime.  I met Heather when we were 19 years old, and we are still best friends to this day!

Sometimes you get regular customers and the regulars are placed in your life for a purpose. It was during my time at the Ground Round that I was working to pay my way through Central Virginia Community College (CVCC). I had been waiting on an elderly gentlemen, Jimmy Sales, regularly for a few years and we had become good friends. He asked me what I would do to further my education now that my years at CVCC were up.  I said I had not idea but I knew I still want to pursue teaching. I don’t recall the timeline of that conversation but it became the catalyst for what happened later that summer.  At some point after one of our regular weekly lunches, he left me an unexpected tip.   It was a check typed out to Liberty University for $1,200.00.  I remember staring at him slack jawed. He told me that God had put it on his heart to help me transition to a new college.

For the next 3 years I continued to waitress and Mr. Sale would always ask each semester, “how much do you owe?” He would never pay the whole amount but always gave me a generous contribution to help me through.  When I graduated I asked him later how I could ever pay him back. His reply?

“Don’t bother-just pay it forward when you can.” 

I had a lot of regular customers who were big tippers and none of them ever wanted anything in return. There was “The Cookie Man” named John who tipped with amazing homemade cookies and breads, the General Manager of a local baseball team named Ronnie who gave me a Bible, and a local car salesman, Eddie, who gave me a cowboy hat and boots as a Christmas gift.  No strings were attached to any of these gifts; just kind, genuine people placed in my life.  With the exception of Eddie, these regulars are still in my life to this day. 

I believe there are people on earth with the gift of generosity and tipping a server is a place for them to use their gift.  You never know how God might bless someone with your tip. It might be a standard 20% tip or it may be something a little more surprising like Mr. Sales’ gift of $1200.

2. “I have Campers!” The aim for all waitresses is to get as many customers to rotate through your station during your shift in order to make the most amount of tip money possible because servers do not receive a paycheck.  In the 1990’s, the hourly rate was $2.15 per hour, but when you claim your tips on your tax return, you never actually received anything other than the tips you earned – you usually received a zeroed out check stub.  The worst was when a table came into your section and continued to sit long after their food was eaten. If you were lucky, that camping table would tip you big by end of night, but most of the time, they didn’t.

But in life, you do want campers – the people who stay by you through thick and thin. I have been blessed with a few campers. Campers don’t give up on your when you are at your low points and they don’t allow others to keep you down either. Instead they cheer you on and they encourage you to be your best.  Campers are the ones that have staying power. They accept you for who you are. They give you grace when needed and have the guts to speak honestly to you. I have been blessed with some amazing campers in my life.  At this point in my life my campers all live miles apart from me. But I know I have a handful of amazing campers who have my back. 

3. “Oh no! They did the Dine and dash!” The worst shifts happened when a table decides to eat and then run off without paying the check.  It may not seem like such a huge deal in the grand scheme of life, but it sure makes for a crappy night of tips.  That happened to me once at the Rio Grande in Reston, VA. But when the staff heard there was a dine and dash table, other servers chipped in so that the monetary loss was shared by all and the impact on me was minimized.

Just as in most restaurants the dashers leave and the server is left to pay for the cost, I think this is true about life in general with the words people say and the choices they make. They dump on us then leave.  It could be a reckless word or a hapless deed.  It can be intentional or unintentional.  Most of the time we are left wondering ‘where did that come from’ and ‘why am I left cleaning up the pieces?’ 

I have learned through many hurtful times that although someone may dine and dash emotionally on me, I don’t have to accept their bad behavior.  It’s okay to feel the impact, but then I choose not to be offended.  I have a saying of recent that is my manta: always consider the source.  It isn’t necessarily something they did as much as why they did it, and usually people do things from a place of brokenness.  Of recent I am in a place that forces me to put up with a lot of dashing.  It is temporary and I have had to remind myself that I am not responsible for fixing someone else’s baggage. I do have a response to be loving, be a light, and at times even be bold and draw necessary boundary lines.  We sometimes find ourselves in these hard places but the good news is we don’t have to choose to stay in them forever.

4. “86 that!” When you are in the restaurant business you know what these two numbers mean.  An 86’d item is one that is out; take if off the menu- it is no longer available.  I hated informing a customer that we were out of the item they desired to order because it would usually be followed up by disappointment. There are things in life that we have to consider 86-ing.  Of recent my family and I moved across 5 states to be closer to family.  On leaving I had to 86 some things in Missouri that were a part of my life for the past 5 years.  Deep friendships, a church that felt like family, an amazing book club and a beautiful neighborhood where my kids thrived and had an idyllic childhood (Heather’s note: we just did this too, and it is very hard.) In making the decision to leave Missouri, my husband and I began purging a year before we even sold our home. When moving across state lines, the moving company charges you by weight. We begin to process what is truly needed.  I had phone calls with an organizational coach that helped me sort through the why behind the what. Why do we want the stuff? What do we do with the stuff?  In that process, many things were sold, donated or gifted out.  We wanted to travel light with only the necessary things.

In life, there are times you need to go through your stuff and 86 the things that weigh you down.  I learned a long time ago to minimize. Before moving to Missouri, I had a similar purge where there were just some items I had a hard time releasing.  One in particular was a beautiful jacket I had purchased that I had spent a fair amount of money on. It no longer fit and yet I knew what I had paid for it. I have a knack for frugality. I tend to know what can resale and what is not worth the time.  This I knew would sell if I stayed persistent and kept reposting it.  But time was running out and I had to decide to pack it or donate it.  It never sold and I had a hard time just giving it away. I begin to think of verse in the Bible that says “Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every hindrance that so easily entangles us…” This jacket was hindering me from joy. I would look at it and regret not fitting into it any longer. I would spend time posting and reposting it on Facebook buy-sell-trade groups. But at the end of the day, it was a waste of time and energy. Once I donated it, I didn’t even think of that jacket again until writing this post.  Bottom line?  Be ok to let some things go.

5. “Behind you!” Oh how I still use this even at home and sometimes get mad at my husband in our “one butt kitchen” for bumping into me when he should be communicating “behind you.” I can’t stay mad at him because he has never waited tables.  But as a waitress, if you don’t speak up and say “behind you!” you will end up with all kinds of spills and mishaps.  My worst was once at the Rio Grande where I was balancing a hot sizzling fajita platter on my shoulder and was bumped from behind. The hot plate burned the nape of my neck as it slid off the tray. I bear the scar of that hot plate still today.  It is important to keep communication lines open and don’t assume people know how you feel.

Always state the obvious even when you think someone knows what you are thinking. Speak it out loud.  To the spouse who needs to hear it say “I love you.” To the dad who hurt you long ago say “I forgive you.” To the coworker or child who needs recognition say “I see you.” And always to your friends who live in these challenging times we live in say “Behind You!”

6. “I’m stuck in the the 111’s” I had to throw this term in myself. It was specific to those who waited tables at The Rio Grande.  It was last sat, least desirable section and it was mine for a solid 8 or more weeks until some unfortunate newby was hired and I moved up in seniority.  It was a row of tables that separated the smoking and the non-smoking section in the restaurant.  Why was it so horrid? Because that section was the separation.  It was a row of tables adjacent to the row of smoking tables with a view of the bus boy station.   Mostly customers seated there were either “first available” on the wait list or where customers sat when all other sections were filled. It was the last sat and first emptied out. The 111s was the section you DID NOT want to be assigned to.  But I was in a tight place. I had just moved to the DC area and needed money.  My friend Heather was making money hand over fist at this restaurant but I must have arrived at a time they were fully staffed and I was the last hired in a place that assigned sections according to seniority.

Sometimes you find yourself in a tight place.  TD Jakes describes a tight place is a place where you are not there yet. You are closer than you were but you are not there yet.  You are closer than you were but you are not sure you have the push to get to the next place. Sometimes in life you are assigned to the 111’s.  You will move out of it but for the time you are in it, it’s humbling, it’s hard, and you have to grit your teeth til, something gives.  I’ve been in the 111’s since this summer. My husband and I stepped out in faith to leave Missouri and return to Virginia so that we could be closer to family.  Things have not YET worked out as we had thought.  I know they will eventually sort out and we will look back and know there was a reason for this season in our lives- but we are not there yet.  To listen to a 7 minute video of TD Jakes describing a Tight Place, click here: A Tight Place.

There have been days that I feel like I’m in the least desirable section.  I wake up, I muster up enthusiasm and joy, choosing to see things through a long-term lens and trusting our faith will be rewarded, but for now things remain the same.

What about you?  Are you stuck in the 111’s? Well pull up a seat and sit at the table with me because I have learned it’s just a matter of time until we are assigned a new section. I hope, like me, you will have a story to tell and we can look back and know that God was with us in our tight place.  We need only trust his plan and be patient in the waiting.  The reason for my faith is that I know that God is my manager, and He will only keep me in the 111s for as long as it’s needed for something He is seeking to accomplish in me. And then He will move me on!

When Heather invited me to write this waitressing blog post with her, we had fun reminiscing about past memories and people. Some memories made us laugh and some made us cringe, but we both agreed that they provided strong life lessons.  Later when I moved to Northern VA, we reconnected at Rio Grande Restaurant and saw that the same lessons apply in the waitressing world no matter where the restaurant. I am amazed that waitressing terms learned from almost 20 years ago have influenced me in a positive way throughout the years.  Waitressing is hard work indeed, but anything worthwhile is.

And those are my best tips from a waitress, learned the long and hard way.  I hope some of my tips and lessons can be yours as well.

____________________________________________________________

Heather’s closing note: I will always remember meeting Sandie for the first time at the Ground Round.  She was a hostess with bright and beautiful blue/green eyes.  She was super sweet and kinda blunt and we became fast friends.  She showed me the ropes of the Lounge as she was from the South and was able to understand the clientele better than I could.  I had been praying for a best friend as I was lonely at a new college, and God sent me Sandie.  Years later we both worked at the Rio Grande in Reston, VA together.  The tables were turned and I then “showed her the ropes” there.  I will always remember lamenting the dine and dashers, the campers, the weird customers, and the strict or nice managers with Sandie, but also enjoying the many good things about the business: the money and the relationships being at the top of the list.  All in all the restaurant business brought us together and we are forever grateful for all the life lessons and life-time relationships it gave to us.

After waitressing, Sandie and I both worked professionally for a number of years and then became stay at home parents.  Sandie is now working part-time again while I sit on my butt and occasionally write blog posts. 😀

We are both forever grateful for the many tips we received (both financial and otherwise) in the restaurant business!!

PS: if you missed Part I of this short series where I share my own perspective of working in the restaurant business through college, you can find it here: Christian College Student by Day, Southern Cocktail Waitress by Night – Part I.

Thanks for reading!

My best friend and I share what we learned by waitressing our way through college

I’ll never forget waitressing at the Ground Round restaurant in Lynchburg, VA where I worked my way through college at Liberty University in the early 90’s.  

The Ground Round (we called it the Dirt Circle) served two personalities.  The clientele of the Dining Room tended to be a combination of families, college students, church folks (Lynchburg has a plethora of evangelical churches in addition to Liberty) and other “regular” folks from town who would come in for the free popcorn and the famous Ground Round Platter, which was their signature dish consisting of a juicy burger, french fries, and a side salad. 

The clientele who were attracted to the Lounge side were the usual range of adults of drinking age: businessmen, groups of friends who came in for happy hour, and what I would respectfully call “very Southern folks.”  Others, being less respectful, might refer to them as Rednecks. But that was not for me to judge.  I just wanted to make a good tip at every table. 

I will always remember the free popcorn (and at some Ground Round restaurants, the free peanuts) that the Dirt Circle was known for.  The popcorn maker would run day and night and popcorn was usually scattered all over the floor.  I usually worked the Dining Room side and tried to avoid the Lounge as much as possible, as the Lounge had somewhat of a Biker Bar feel.  There was this pervading “let’s all order a lot of alcohol and sit around and get drunk” party atmosphere, which frankly intimidated me, especially because from time to time I would peek in at some of the clientele and honestly, some of them looked like they were… 

…running from the law.  

Especially the loner men in dark sunglasses who were very quiet, serious, and would sit drinking their own pitcher of Bud light, always facing the front of the restaurant and checking everyone who walked through the front door. 

Or sometimes, when passing through the Lounge, perverted men would look at me like I was a piece of meat (one guy even asked me if I wouldn’t mind dancing on the table for him!!), and then they would flag me down and start flirting with me.  However, as soon as I opened up my mouth and they heard my Northern accent, that was usually enough to turn them off, especially when I forgot to use “ya’ll” when addressing them (whoops) and instead used “you guys.”  (That’s a cardinal sin for a server in a Southern family-style restaurant, FYI.) 

The bottom line is that I avoided the Biker Bar Lounge and told the management that I would prefer to work in the Dining Room.  

But one day they must have been short staffed in the Lounge because that’s exactly where I found myself.  I remember confronting Stan, my favorite manager, about this.  He kindly said to me:  “Sorry Heather.  We need strong waitresses in the Lounge. Just give it it a try.”  

A few moments later I got my first table.

“Hello!  Welcome to the Ground Round!  How are you guys doing today?” I said to the older couple with my very best Northern accent.

They looked at me curiously and said something with a very strong southern drawl, which I had trouble understanding.  I then asked them if I could take their drink order.

“Yeah,” the petite woman said.  “I’ll have a Maaaaaaahhhh Taaaaaaaaahh.”  She drawled.  

Each word lasted about five complete seconds.

The guy ordered a drink that sounded very sexual (something about “sax” and “bay-ch”) but I didn’t recognize the drink itself.  

After I took their order, I ran to the back room to look at the infamous Drink Menu on the Wall.  

You need to understand that the Drink Menu On the Wall was a huge construction paper board with every alcoholic concoction on it you can think of written with a black sharpie.  It was an 90’s mixologists’ dream come true because it was so incredibly thorough.  Parts of it were seriously pornographic in nature and went from bad to worse.  Here are the names of just a few of the drinks I can still remember to this day:

• Sex on the Beach
• Slow comfortable F#@%$
• Slow comfortable F%$#@ up against the wall 
• Slippery Nipple
• Blow J*&^%b
• Orgas&^%$m

After I figured out that the guy wanted a Sex on the Beach, I still had no idea what the heck a Maaaa Taaa was so I went strait to the bartender, Shiela.  Shiela was great!!  Very nice and very good with the Biker Bar crowd, and also good with Northern Christian waitresses.  

“Sheila,” I said with stress in my voice.  “The woman ordered a ‘Maaaaaaaaaa Taaaaaaaaaaaa’, and I don’t know what that is!” I cried out.

Not missing a beat, she chortled: “Oh Heather, it’s a Mai Tai, honey!” She went on to say: “Now remember, sweetie, the lady can only have up to three Mai Tai’s before you have to cut her off, as it’ a five shot drink.”  

Yeeks.  Let’s hope petite Southern woman is not hoping to drink more than 15 shots today (she actually ended up having three drinks that night but thankfully did not request a fourth!).  And that’s probably the first lesson I learned working in the Lounge – that many of my clientele seriously wanted to get drunk.  It was my job to skillfully manage their alcohol consumption in such a way so that I would not have to cut them off, thus killing my tip, and yet still have them perceive that they were having a good time and receiving an adequate amount of beverage.  

And that’s how I officially became the following (drum roll please)….

Good Christian Northern College Student by day, and Wild Southern Cocktail Waitress by night.  

Because from then on, for whatever reason, I got stuck in the Lounge, usually section 1 (the worst section) about half of the time!  The Lounge could definitely be a wild place to work: a drunk man once fell through the full-length plate glass window, shattering it into a million pieces; there was also a shooting in the back parking lot, due to a sordid love-triage; and finally, a woman would come in with a see through white dress on, and there was literally nothing left to anyone’s imagination.

I tried to make the best of my time in the lounge: I perfected my Southern accent, learned how to relate to the Biker Bar crowd (most of them were very nice but you needed to be fun but firm with them) and tried to make the best tips I could.

And when I say Wild Southern Cocktail Waitress by Night, I mean NIGHT!  Last Call was at 12:30 am and Light’s Up (when the bar officially closed) was at 1 am.  I remember many nights working until 1:20 am, driving back to campus, parking WAY far away from my dorm, walking through the dark, all the while wondering if I was going to get snatched by a Serial Killer.  It always took me at least an hour to “settle down” enough to fall asleep, only to wake up at 7:15 am for my 8:00 class the next morning.

Honestly, working so much (sometimes 32 hours per week) and so late, on top of taking so many classes (usually 18 credits every semester) was very challenging and exhausting, and looking back, I regret working so much and taking so many classes during that time.  I joked to my friends that my experience at the Ground Round (as well as other restaurants) put “hair on my chest” and made me into a stronger person.  I often struggled with jealousy when my college friends would come in to visit me, as they had much more of a “normal” college experience.  I loved seeing them, but I struggled with having to work so hard just to afford college.  It didn’t seem fair.

The Ground Round was just one of the restaurants I was employed by through high school, college, and post-college.  In high school I worked at Friendly’s and Ponderosa (we called it Ponder-gross-a).  In college I worked for the Wharf and Appleby’s in addition to the Ground Round (I also worked at a Ground Round in Fayetteville, NY during the summer and college breaks).  After college I raked in my best tips ever at Uncle Julio’s Rio Grande Cafe in Reston, VA.  

All in all, the Ground Round was a great place to work through college.  I made decent tips, learned some valuable lessons, and made some lifelong friends to boot (more on that in a moment). 

Before I get into lessons learned, here are a few phrases from the restaurant business that I still remember to this day:

• “I have Campers!” (customers who sit and and sit in your booth and never leave – preventing any turnover and thus preventing any tips) 

• “Oh no! They did the Dine and dash!” (customers that order, eat, and sneak out without paying) 

• “86 that!” (when the restaurant was out of something)

• “Behind you!” (what we all said to each other so as to not cause a tray/food/dish collision)

• “If you can’t afford to tip, then don’t go out to eat!” (what all the servers said to each other after we had gotten stiffed by a table)

and finally….

• “I’ve been quadruple-sat!” (when a hostess seats our entire section all at once!)

In addition to the phrases that are still with me, the many lessons are as well. I can honestly say that I learned a lot about people, life, and myself while waitressing and was able to pay for almost my entire undergrad and graduate degrees throughout my nine years in the business.  

Below is a list of the top 5 things I learned as a waitress that I still remember to this day…

1. Never judge a table.

I honestly think this was my very first lesson.  I must admit that I did judge certain tables in the beginning, but quickly learned that some of my best tippers didn’t look like they would tip me well, and sometimes the nicest, most well-dressed, most put together people completely stiffed me or left me a cheap tip!  On a similar vein, a good waitress has to learn how to read a table.  There is a delicate dance with every table.  Sometimes customers are chatty and engaging, other times they are more serious and private.  If you don’t have good people skills when you start your serving career, you will surely develop them as time goes by. 

Sometimes people were strange or rude though, and it made it hard for me to not judge them.  One time a couple came in and the guy ordered a T-bone steak medium well, and happily consumed the whole entire thing. However, at the end of the meal he flagged me down to show me a patch of bright red blood on his empty plate.  Huh? He demanded that I comp his meal (give it to him for free) because he said his steak was rare, and pointed to the blood on his plate.  I went and got my manager Lisa and she went to investigate.  She thought something was fishy so she refused to comply with his request.  He was pissed and left the restaurant without tipping me.  Later, Lisa found several wadded up kleenexes shoved into the side of the booth with bright red blood on them!  We both surmised that this guy actually cut himself open and dripped his own blood onto the plate, just to try to get a free meal.  What a weirdo!  I definitely had several customers over the years that did some strange, creepy, rude, or disrespectful things to me.  I had to learn to deal with some seriously abnormal human behavior, all with a smile on my face!

2. Be generous and respectful.

I am almost embarrassed to admit this but I used to be very, very cheap.  I mean, so cheap that, as a teen and out with my friends, I wouldn’t order any food but would instead pick leftovers off of my friends’ plates.  I also wouldn’t leave a tip. Waitressing adjusted that for me big-time.  Why?  Because, once I became a waitress, it felt awesome to get a great tip, and it felt terrible to get a cheap one.  

I will always tip waiters and waitresses at least 20 percent or more because I know how it feels to be in their shoes.  Sometimes my husband and I receive bad service at a restaurant and our conversation goes something like this.  Erik: “hon, the service is slow.”  Me: “yes, I know.  Maybe the kitchen is slow tonight.  Maybe they are short-staffed.  It’s probably not the waiters’ fault.”  Then later, Erik: “Babe, our waiter is not very friendly and he sucks. I am not going to leave him 20%.”  Me: “Hon, you can’t do that!  Maybe he’s a single father, or maybe he’s had a bad day.  C’mon, cut him some slack.”  Erik generally relents and still gives a generous tip because he’s a good guy and because he married a former waitress. God has blessed us generously and I want to give back.  To read my earlier post about my childhood, money and generosity, click here: Blue Collar Girl Trapped in a White Collar Marriage.

One day I was working at Uncle Julio’s Rio Grande Cafe when I walked past a table of three men with a water pitcher in my hand.  One of the three men (nicely dressed, wealthy looking)  waved at me frantically, calling over to me: “Water girl!  Oh, water girl!  Give me some more water!”  I looked at the two younger men next to him and they both looked very embarrassed.  I stopped at his table and said politely but firmly: “Sir, I am much more than a water girl, but I would be happy to refill your water.”  

Since having been treated like a mere water girl with nothing to offer the world (not to mention a dumb blond and a piece of meat), I have always tried to respect everyone regardless of their station in life.  I try to never look down on anyone, ever, because we are all in this thing called life together.  We should try to get along and be kind and respectful to each other, no matter what.

3. Organize your life as if you are triple-sat.  

This is probably one of the coolest lessons I learned.  From time to time I was triple or quadruple sat.  I had to figure out a way to meet the needs of the entire group of people but not take too long doing it.  I didn’t have the luxury of going up to one table, doing a perfect job, and then getting another table a few minutes later. I had to learn to prioritize and meet the needs of my entire section.  Honestly, that meant some people had to wait longer to get their drinks or their check, etc.  I learned to handle the big rocks first, and put them into my jar (so to speak), and then after that I could get the smaller rocks in, too.  This caused me to be a more efficient and productive waitress and then later, an efficient and productive career woman.  I had to learn how to achieve my main priorities while not losing focus, and still have time for the smaller ones. Here is a slightly cheesy YouTube video that explains this concept in detail: here.  Bottom line?  I still approach my to-do list with the larger picture in mind, put my top priorities first, and not get distracted by the little things until my top priorities are met.

4. Be steady, but not slammed.

There were times I was extremely busy (we called it being “slammed”), which consisted of me running around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to frantically keep up with my tables.  I don’t think I did a very good job for my customers when I was slammed.  There were other times when I was what we called “steady,” where I was busy enough but still had time to do a good job with each table. I usually made much better tips when I was steady vs. being slammed.  To this day, I work very hard to remain steady with my obligations and priorities, while trying hard to not take on too much on, thus becoming slammed. Why?  Because my peace and joy go away when I’m slammed and it’s not like I’m doing that great of a job with juggling so many different priorities anyway.  One quick qualifier: sometimes you are just very busy and that’s the way life goes. I just try not to stay in that place forever.

One last comment on this point: you are also capable to do more than you realize sometimes.  A waiter named Whit challenged me to stop writing down all of my orders but instead memorize them in my head.  I thought “no way!” but I started with a two top, then went up to three top, then four, etc.  And then I never wrote down another order in my remaining years of serving.  My record was a party of 15 – Whit’s was about 30!  I couldn’t believe watching him do this, but I saw it with my own eyes.  Lesson: I was capable of more than I realized.  And I am glad I stopped writing down my orders. Honestly, once you get into a rhythm of it, it’s not all that difficult.  (I promise.)

5. If you pray before you eat, you had better leave a good tip.

As a waitress, I would always try to Never Judge a Table (see point number one) but on Sunday during the lunch shift – I admit – I judged.  Why?  Because that’s when the Church Crowd came in.  They were all very nice, of course.  The trouble was that they were usually really cheap! They often left me a Christian tract (a tract is a little pamphlet which explains the gospel message) and a ONE dollar tip.  I wasn’t the only one they did this to – all of the servers complained about it as well.  What a horrible testimony of what it means to be a true Christian! So, I decided to do something about it. I wrote a note to Jerry Falwell (The Chancellor of Liberty) and left it on his car windshield (a lot of students back in the day would do this) and told him all about this strange phenomena called ‘Christians Who Are Crap Tippers.’ Jerry was a super cool guy (don’t believe what you may have heard about him in the press) and I had waited on him and his wife a few times before.  He was always very nice and always left a 20 percent or more tip.  Anyway, he actually read my letter to his huge church and told them that if they didn’t leave “at least 20 percent tip, then don’t bother to leave a tract.” (He may have even said “oh, and if you can’t afford to leave a tip, then don’t bother to go out to eat,” as well, but I can’t be sure… 😂 )  He went on to tell them that they needed to be a better witness to the town of Lynchburg and to stop being so cheap!  Go Jerry!

The bottom line is that if you are a person of religious faith, my suggestion to you is that you be a good example and leave a good tip.  ‘Nuff said.

Before I close, I want to give a shout out to Uncle Julio’s in Reston, VA.  We called it “The Rio” and it was a very busy restaurant that served some really good Tex Mex food.  The clientele tended to be young professionals and young-ish families and they generally tipped very well.  Although it was the most strictest restaurant I ever worked for (they used to line us up and inspect our uniforms, making sure our shirts were professionally dry-cleaned with extra starch), I ended my waitressing career on a high note as I truly made the very best tips of my life in that restaurant.  I also made some great friends and made some great memories to boot.

This leads me to the last life lesson I learned through serving.  One of the best things about being in the restaurant industry is the relationships you develop with other servers and managers.  We partied, went to bars after work (and left huge tips – the best tippers are servers!) went on ski trips together, dated each other, did Bible studies and went to church together, and opened up our lives to each other. We became like family.  We got into each others’ business and supported each others’ dreams.  We joked around together, ate free food together, and had deep talks together. I’m still Facebook (and real life!) friends with a number of server friends many years later.  I met Sandie, my best friend since college, at the Dirt Circle and we are still “together” to this day!!

There are still things I miss about serving.  I miss the camaraderie and friendships.  I miss the movement and life of a busy restaurant.  I miss the free food.  I especially miss the huge wad of cash in my apron pocket at the end of my shift.  I tell Erik that if he ever loses his job, I might go back to serving.

In the very next post, Sandie will share her perspective on waitressing and what she learned over her eight years of serving and bartending. Sandie and I shared MANY great times together at the Dirt Circle and later at the Rio Grande cafe. She’s also a true Southerner, so be sure to read her story, too.

In closing, as Sandie and I brainstormed topics for this post, we realized that waitressing bonded our friendship together almost more than anything else.  In fact, between the lessons learned, money made, relationships formed, and the fact that Sandie are still  best friends to this day, those were the best and longest-lasting tips that the business ever gave to us!  

And for that, we are forever grateful.  

Be sure to check out Sandie’s story, coming shortly!

PS: feel free to comment about lessons learned or anything I missed about working as a server!

 

One last sobering stat: there are 40,000 unidentified human remains in this nation.