My childhood bestie, cancer, death, and life

When I was a little girl in the 1970s, I met another free-spirited, tow-headed little girl named Hillary, and we became best friends for the rest of my childhood.

My mother Linda and Hillary’s mom Becky also became best friends, spending almost every weekend together for about twelve years straight. They even lived in the same homes and apartment complexes during several portions of my childhood.

Linda and Becky were two twenty-something divorcees with four young children and two modest salaries between them, doing their best to survive and thrive.

Hillary, Jessica (my sister), Kurtiss (Hillary’s brother), and I all grew up in the middle of Generation X, with few financial or other resources available for single working moms or their children. Linda and Becky were the quintessential under-resourced, overextended single working moms of that era.

We four kids got into loads of adventures and trouble together, including spending many Saturday afternoons roller skating at Sports O Rama in DeWitt, New York, and swimming at Jamesville Beach during the summer months. We also did all the typical childhood rites of passage of that era: playing outside for all hours with no adult supervision, riding bikes, playing in the woods, and coming in when the streetlights came on.

One of the clearest memories with Hillary and my sister Jessie was roller-skating to “Angel in the Centerfold” by the J Giles Band at Sports O Rama for several Saturdays consecutively. All the kids at the roller rink screamed for joy and entered the rink to skate to that song. I also remember doing the “Limbo” with Hillary, Jessie, and all the other kids at the rink. I distinctly remember seeing the tiniest little girls do full-on splits to clear the 12 inches where the Limbo bar stood. Now that was a sight to behold.

All was well in the Hillary-Heather bubble until we were both twelve years of age. Sadly, our moms unexpectedly went their separate ways. This was long before social media or planned play dates, so unfortunately, my friendship with Hillary ended. Or rather, much like a cassette tape player back in the day, our friendship was put on a very long “pause.”

In the decades that followed, I connected with Hillary only occasionally. I remember seeing her once as a teenager and visiting her twice when her children were very young. We enjoyed the occasional phone call. I sent her a Christmas card every year when I had her address.

In our forties, however, our lives reconnected over Facebook, and from then on, we picked right up where we left off and became fast friends once again.  

In the many decades I had missed, I learned that Hillary had built a wonderful life for herself. Not only had she single-handedly raised two great children, but she had also graduated from a business school at the top of her class and had excellent jobs for many years. I am so very proud of her many professional accomplishments. But probably the best accomplishment of all was simply the kind of person Hillary grew up to be: she possessed a rare combination of kind-heartedness, a hard work ethic, a sense of humor, a servant’s heart, a compassionate, listening ear, a positive outlook on life, and a will of steel.

At one point in her life, Hillary struggled with some drug addiction due to a car accident that left her in constant physical pain. She was able to break free from this addiction cold turkey and completely on her own by isolating herself, drinking chocolate milk, and sucking on orange popsicles for an entire month. After that month, she never touched any painkillers or other unhealthy substances again.

I share this story about Hillary to highlight her strong will and that she refused to allow one dark chapter to define her entire life story.

Just a few short years into our wonderful reunion, Hillary was unexpectedly diagnosed with two forms of deadly cancer at the age of 44. I was with her in the hospital while we awaited liver biopsy results when she received this news. I will always remember the look in the doctor’s eyes when he spoke to her that day. Even before he said anything, I saw the dread and sadness in his eyes as he stated, very directly in fact, the following***:

“Hillary. I am so sorry to tell you that you have two forms of cancer, and they have metastasized. The tumor on your liver is very large and inoperable. Your cancer is phase four. It’s not looking good.”

Hillary was silent for a moment, probably in shock. She then asked: “But doctor, isn’t there anything we can do? Can we fight this?”

The doctor sat quietly for a moment, and I could see the answer in his eyes. To me, the answer was “No, you are going to die.” I sat there in stunned silence, waiting for the doctor to continue.

He sighed and said: “We will hit it with chemo and radiation, and there are also a couple of immunotherapies we can try. But I need to caution you that any treatment will most likely only extend your life by a month or two.”

Both Hillary and I were speechless.

Finally, she broke the silence and quietly asked: “How much time do I have?”

He said, “About six to nine months.”

After the doctor left, we both sat devastated and cried together in the hospital room.

For my part, at that moment, I began earnestly praying for Hillary to be physically healed, that she would come to know how much God loved her, and that her soul would be secure in heaven in the event she would not be healed in this life.

For the next several months, I walked through Hillary’s entire cancer treatments and daily life with her. We texted daily and spoke on the phone frequently. I was her “person” outside of her immediate family. We were soul sisters once again during this terrible time.

Hillary and her care team did indeed “hit” her cancers with chemo, radiation, and immunotherapy treatments, but these did little to slow the progression of the two forms of fast-moving cancer.

Have you ever watched someone dying from cancer?

It’s not a pretty sight.

I watched Hillary’s body go from naturally skinny to downright skeletal. Her hair fell out. Her skin color changed. Her memory and thought articulation began to wane. She lost her appetite. She was in constant physical pain due to the tumor in her liver, which continued to grow, pressing on other organs. She often had very little energy to do simple household tasks. She napped frequently and lacked the motivation or organizational skills to handle the initial stages of her immunotherapy treatments (which I subsequently helped her to secure).

Despite those initial difficult months, Hillary maintained a positive attitude and a heart to see the good in everything.  Although she complained just a little here and there about her cancer, she always attempted to maintain a positive outlook on life and even her diagnosis.

“It could be so much worse, Heath.” She would tell me. “I am grateful to be alive today. There is still so much to be grateful for. I have lived a good life.”

Honestly, it was very convicting for me to witness her attitude as she faced the worst news a person can face. I remember remarking to God that she was handling her cancer diagnosis much better than most Christians I knew would handle it.

I looked deeply within myself and wondered if I would handle this type of soul-crushing news as well as Hillary.

Watching Hillary slowly fade made me realize how incredibly blessed I am, and how little I have to complain about.

As far as religion was concerned, Hillary was an atheist and did not believe in God. With her permission, I would share the gospel with her, and one time I even brought her to church, which she enjoyed. While she would politely listen to me talk about Christianity and God’s love, she was not interested in the message of the good news of Jesus Christ and persisted in unbelief.

There were several distinct moments of joy during the awful months of her cancer treatments.

• Erik, Hillary, Hillary’s daughter, and I spent a night in the Singer Castle in the 1000 Islands, New York, located on the St. Lawrence River. It was an amazing experience as we had full reign of the entire castle during the evening hours. I will never forget finding all the secret passageways with Hillary and the rest of our group.
• Jim and Hillary were married in November of 2016. It was a beautiful event! Unfortunately, Hillary’s wedding dress did not fit her properly as she had lost so much weight in the months following her original dress fitting. That was hard for Hillary. But in typical fashion, she “got over it” and moved on to enjoy the rest of her wedding. I was so honored to be a part of that wonderful event.
• Hillary and Jim visited our family a few months before she passed. We did some sightseeing in the Washington D.C. area, and Hillary and Jim saw the White House for the first time. Hillary was in constant physical pain by that point, but we still had a wonderful visit with the two of them.
• Hillary and I attended a Heart concert on a beautiful sunny day in 2017. After the opening act, some DJs from a local radio station stood up and announced a “front-row seat for two people” contest that anyone could enter.  She dared me to enter it and appealed to me that we should both pray to “win the contest, which would prove that God exists.” We entered it and won! God revealed Himself to Hillary that night as we rocked on to a band we both enjoyed growing up.

One time when I was visiting her, we got into a deep conversation.  In her typical blunt style, she told me why, in her opinion, she had developed cancer. Here is a summary of what she relayed to me:

“Heath, I have cancer because I smoked cigarettes my entire life. I started when I was fourteen, and now I’m forty-four. That’s forty long years, and now I am dying. It’s time I admitted this to myself.  And to you. I deeply regret smoking, and I wish I never started in the first place.”

As the months sped by, and the sand in Hillary’s hourglass began to recede, I prayed passionately for her physical healing. I also prayed for God to save her soul, and that she would choose Jesus Christ as Lord before it was too late.

Hillary continued in her atheism, while I continued to speak to her about how much God loved her and wanted to comfort her and give her peace. She was always receptive but remained firm in her beliefs. She always welcomed any prayers I offered her, however.

As time went by, I began to suspect that Hillary was being blocked by spiritual forces of evil who did not want her to turn to Jesus Christ. I began praying quietly from her bathroom whenever I would go see her at her home, basically binding up any demons that were blocking her from coming to know the Lord Jesus Christ. After I exited the bathroom, I went directly to her and shared the gospel again (with her permission). Although I made a tad more progress after binding the demonic spirits, Hillary was still not interested in turning to Jesus Christ (although she was softer after each prayer, I noticed).

Several weeks before she passed, I was set to visit her over a weekend. A family member (whom I shall not name) contacted me over Facebook. This person warned me to refrain from sharing anything about God with her. This person insisted that Hillary was a lifelong atheist and would die an atheist. I told this family member that I always asked Hillary’s permission before I shared anything with her about God. Each time, Hillary said an enthusiastic yes. I told this person that Hillary herself had brought up the topic many times. Nonetheless, I honored this family member’s request and decided not to say a thing about God during the weekend visit, unless Hillary herself brought it up.

Sure enough, when Hillary and I went out to lunch, she very happily said: “Heath, I have been praying to God to reveal himself to me, and He has been!  He has been talking to me!”

I asked her what He had been saying to her.  She said something to the effect that God told her that He does exist, and He loves her very much!

Several weeks later, Hillary entered hospice. At this point, it was not looking good for her physical healing, but still, I continued to cry out to God for a last-minute miracle.

About a week into her time in hospice, she called me up and said “Heath, I know you just visited me a few weeks ago, but can you come and revisit me? I need to speak to you.”

Of course, I said yes, and immediately booked a flight back to Syracuse. I felt in my spirit that this would be the last time I would see Hillary alive on the face of the earth.

I texted many Christian friends and family and pleaded with them to pray for Hillary, as this would be the last chance she would likely have to receive Jesus as her Lord and Savior.

When I arrived, she was so sick that she fell asleep on the couch and laid her head on my lap. I sang and prayed over her sick, deteriorating body, stroked her head tenderly, and prayed for her.

The next day, she was in a much better place both physically and mentally. She asked me if we could review that “little booklet” together. I had previously given her a gospel tract which she had yet to read. I again went into her bathroom and bound up the demons that were blocking her. After exiting the bathroom, I asked her if it was a good time to go through the gospel tract with her. Hillary said yes, and we went through the tract together.

After reading the gospel tract aloud to her, which presented the plan of salvation, I asked her if she wanted to receive Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior.

What would Hillary choose?

“This is it, Lord.”  I thought to myself.  “This is the end.” 

“Yes, I would!” Hillary replied enthusiastically, with a smile on her face.

I asked her to “repeat after me,” and led her in a prayer to ask Jesus into her heart and life.

During the prayer, she confessed (on her own) to God that she had ignored Him her whole life. She asked God to forgive her. She asked Jesus to come and live inside of her heart, forgive her of all of her many sins, and stated that she would live for Him rather than herself for all the remaining days she had on earth.  She then asked Jesus to take her to heaven with Him when she died.

When she was done praying, she had tears streaming down her face and said, “I am so sorry it took me so long to do that, Heath. I am sorry I was so stubborn!”

I told her, with a sly smile, that she didn’t stand a chance, as I had probably 50 people praying for her, including small children who were constantly peppering God for her salvation.

I relayed the story of a homeschooling mom friend, whose kids prayed daily for Hillary’s physical healing and her salvation. Her kids were extremely invested in finding out what was happening with Hillary and kept asking their mom (my friend) for updates.

With several young children praying for Hillary, I had a feeling in my heart that she would make it over the finish line. 

And she did!

She smiled and wiped her eyes. She said, “Thank you, Heath, for not giving up on me. And please tell everyone who has been praying for me, especially all the kids, that I said thank you.”

Suddenly, Jim came downstairs to check on his wife. She was beaming and her face was shining with light.

“Jim!” She cried out. “I have something to tell you, and you’re not gonna like it!”

He paused at the door.

“I just prayed to receive Jesus Christ as my Savior, and I am so happy right now and I have so much peace!”

I held my breath. How would Jim respond?

Immediately, Jim rushed over to her, took her frail body into his strong arms, and said, “Baby, whatever brings you peace and happiness is great with me.”

All three of us burst into fresh tears. It was such a personal moment for Jim and Hillary that I had to look away.

Having Hillary receive God’s gift of salvation was one of the best experiences of my life.

Just a few days after she asked Jesus into her heart, she passed away. Jim told me that Hillary had a sense of peace, calm, and joy up to the very end.

Later, I heard from her daughter that, before she died, Hillary gathered her entire family around her (many of whom were atheists) and told them that she now believed in God and Jesus and she was going to heaven when she died. She asked them to please consider Christianity for her sake. In typical Hillary fashion, she asked them to please raise their hands if they were willing to do this. Her daughter said she, herself, raised her hand, and that all but one of her family raised their hands as well. Interestingly, the one family member who warned me to stop talking about God with Hillary also raised their hand.

I still pray for Hillary’s entire family to this day.

Additionally, Jim asked me to say a few words at her memorial service. I shared how much Hillary meant to me, her many wonderful qualities, and a mini version of her Christian conversion. I was blessed to honor Hillary and share God’s love with the entire group of people gathered.

Before she died, I asked Hillary to please pray for me when she got to heaven. She immediately said yes. Knowing her, once she got to heaven, she probably went straight to God and asked to be the head of my prayer team.

I also told her that when it was my time to go, I wanted her, along with Jesus, to come and get me and take me home with her to heaven.  I also asked her to bring a pair of roller skates with her, as I wanted to start roller skating in heaven together once again.

It has been eight years since Hillary passed. I still experience “Hillary moments,” and realize that it’s her birthday, or some other day important to her. I often “feel” her prayers from heaven. Sometimes I even ask God for permission to speak directly to Hillary. Once I sense that I have Hillary’s attention, I pour my heart out to her and ask her to please pray to God on my behalf.

I firmly believe that Hillary still prays for me from heaven. Why? Because I asked her to. And she is the type of person who would do that for me.

I can’t wait to see her again one day.

Dear Hill, if you are reading this post, I want you to know that I love and miss you so much. It’s not the same around here since you left. Please keep praying for me from heaven, because I really need it. When it’s my time to go, and when you come for me with Jesus, don’t forget the roller-skates!

I will see you soon! 

I love you.

Love, Heath

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Hillary J. Walters (Hillary Drake) of Cicero, NY passed away peacefully in her home on 3/30/2017 surrounded by her loving family after a hard-fought bout with cancer. She fought with a strong-willed determination to live and taught us not to take our time for granted. She was far too young to be taken away from us all and from this life at 44 years of age. Hillary had a spirit of generosity and love none of us will ever forget. She was kind to a fault, with selfless compassion and was a loving mother. More than anything she loved to make silly jokes, loved cooking and crafting but laughing and making people feel good was the heart of Hillary and something we will all carry with us for as long as we are here to keep her memory alive.

In her life, she has known great struggles but more so, she knew great accomplishments and overcoming difficult odds. First and foremost, she raised two beautiful, kind, and loving children. She worked hard putting herself through Bryant and Stratton College so she could make a better life for them, graduating at the top of her class as valedictorian with an associate’s degree in business administration. She went on to work at the college as a receptionist in the admissions office, then spent over five years as an office manager and Sr. Admin Support Specialist at a radiopharmaceutical company, and then as the head admin for the Onondaga County lake clean-up project, always giving her very best to whatever she set her mind to. In her honor and in respect of her wishes, Hillary does not want a funeral but instead a celebration of her life; which is so Hillary. Thus we have decided to bury her ashes with the planting of a tree at her home where she enjoyed the latter part of her life with her husband Jim and pets Roxie, Robbie and Jakey.
Date of Death: March 30, 2017

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*** A quick note on what the doctor said to Hillary and me that day in the hospital. The doctor’s statement was to the best of my recollection. It is possible that he didn’t know that the cancer had metastasized by that point, but I do remember that he said that the tumor was inoperable and that there was very little the medical community could do. But the look in his eyes said it all: that Hillary’s cancer was fatal, and that she didn’t have long to live. It turned out that her doctor was correct: Hillary lived another nine months. At this point, the details don’t matter. What matters now is that Hillary is alive and well in Heaven with Jesus, living her best life. 😊

If you have read this far, below are a few more pictures, and three songs that remind me of Hillary.

Lastly, I recently wrote a book, which you can check out here: https://a.co/d/5hCFDMJ

Take care!

“I’ll carry these torches for you, that you know I’ll never drop…”