I was born in the summer of 1972, perfectly in the middle of the 16 years that make up one of the coolest, smallest, and most independent of all the American generations: Generation X.  

Generation X (Gen X) kids were born between 1965 and 1980 (some count the children born in the early 1980s as well), and we were known as the “forgotten middle child” of American generations, and also the “last generation of feral children” according to one social media influencer. Gen X kids were wedged in between the more populous Baby Boomers and the younger, tech-savvy Millennials. 

Gen X kids developed some serious life skills early on (which we will dig into in a moment) and later grew up to be savvy, skeptical, cynical, self-reliant, resourceful, practical, and hard-working adults who are currently in leadership positions worldwide.  Gen X adults also tend to not give a flip about a lot of things, including what other people think of them. 

The following post is my attempt to encapsulate some of the pros and cons of growing up Gen X based on research, social media influencers and their corresponding Gen X audience, and by living in this generation for several decades. I also offer some personal reflections. Please see my qualifiers written to fellow Gen Xers as well as our parents in the closing section.

Alright Gen Xers, let’s buckle up our seatbelts and…wait!  There were no seatbelts back when we were growing up!  So instead of buckling up, watch out for the “mom arm” that will come flying out in the event of a sudden stop, take another sip of the Orange Julius you bought at the mall because you did your chores, quietly roll down the window in the backseat because your dad just lit one up and you can’t stand it, and read this post. 

I want to start with two stories that encapsulate the reality of growing up Gen X from two of my closest friends.  I am changing their names for their privacy and awarding them two of the most popular Gen X girls names of all times!  I will bold some of the common themes of growing up Gen X.  Please note that in the second story, Lisa’s father was the one who paid for the country club membership for Lisa and her brother, as his way of providing for his children.    

Jennifer’s story:

I was born in 1971 in a small southern town with Civil War historic roots.  My teenage parents divorced in the 1980s and my mom had to work at Pizza Hut and the garment factory to support my sister and me. We were poor and lived paycheck to paycheck.  My sister and I were latch-key kids, and we missed the bus on numerous occasions because our mom was not there to see us off to school.  Prior to the divorce there were good times: playing in the woods, creek, cow pasture, and a forest fire lookout.  We were unsupervised and often gone all day.  My mom would blow the horn of our vehicle in order to alert us that it was time to come home.  If we were home and seemingly bored, we were told to “get on outside” and the front door would lock behind us as we exited.  We were gone all day. I grew up in a cloud of cigarette smoke and riding while standing up in the back of a truck bed.  At one point during the middle of my parents’ separation, we left our home to stay with a family friend, but there was no communication about what was happening, and it made me feel insecure because we didn’t talk about our feelings.  My dad just “disappeared” from my life, and no one really sat down to communicate with us about the fact that our parents were in the process of getting a divorce.  This left scars of insecurity deep within me. In addition, due to lack of supervision, I was also sexually abused by a few men. I also developed some unhealthy eating patterns at that time as well.  Looking back on my childhood and after becoming a mom myself, I realize that we were talked at but not talked to or talked with.  

Lisa’s story:

My brother and I are definitely products of the ’80s. Our parents divorced when we were four and six respectively, making us one of two families in our entire school with divorced parents. Seemingly our family was the beginning of the end of the nuclear family, in our area at least. We were typical latchkey kids, being left at home for several hours up to all day on Saturdays while my mom worked from the age of seven on. Just like most kids of the ’80s, we were out all day with our friends, only having to come home before dark unless we were going to be punished…which we often chose instead of leaving our friends early. But perhaps not typical were our summers. Beginning at the ages of seven and nine respectively, six days a week, my mom dropped us off at our country club at 7:30 in the morning– two and a half hours before the country club even opened. We had to entertain ourselves for those hours and did so in multiple ways to include joining the swim team, the dive team, taking tennis lessons, golf lessons, exploring the entire 176-acre country club to include the golf courses and sneaking into the tennis courts to play before everything opened. We played hide and seek, created our own scavenger hunts, and frankly just survived the boredom until my mom picked us back up at 5:30 pm. Again, my mom was a single mom having to work full time and did the best she could. But I guess the word neglect doesn’t begin to cover what we experienced. We also were the house cleaners, the dishwashers, the clothes washers. And everything had to be done to perfection, or we had to redo it. Our mom was Mommy Dearest on steroids. I remember telling her once, “You only had kids because you wanted servants!” That didn’t sit well. But like most Gen Xers, we not only survived, we thrived, and we are who we are because of this upbringing. Would I trade it? That is a question for another day. 

Gen X kids were free to come and go as we pleased and enjoyed many adventures on our bikes or in the woods with our amazing group of friends. In the summer, we drank from the hose and had to be home when the streetlights came on.  We interacted face to face with our peers and parents on the regular.  Minus about four hours on Saturday morning, we enjoyed the glow of the sunshine on our faces versus the glow of the computer or the television screen throughout our entire childhood(s).  

Conversely, Gen X kids went through their early years during a unique time in American history: right during and after the cataclysmic social, cultural, and moral shifts of the 1960s through 80s including the hippie movement, the sexual revolution, the women’s liberation movement, the spike of the serial killer movement, and the ongoing threat of nuclear war. The traditional, two parent nuclear family began to unravel, the divorce rate skyrocketed, and half of all married couples parted ways.  This led to many single parent households, with (usually) moms as the primary caregiver.  Single mom parenting led to much fatherlessness, which is proven to be detrimental for children growing up. 

According to Wikipedia, a 2004 marketing study conducted by Reach Advisors stated that Gen X kids “went through its all-important, formative years as one of the least parented, least nurtured generations in U.S. history.” As previously mentioned, latchkey kids were prevalent during this time, a result of increased divorce rates and increased maternal participation in the workforce at a time before childcare options outside the home were widely available. In addition, Gen Xers were children at a time when society was less focused on children and more focused on adults. Researchers described a cultural shift where the long-held societal value of staying together for the sake of the children was replaced with a societal value of parental and individual self-actualization.

As we were the first generation of latchkey children, this often led to loneliness, boredom, fear, giving into peer pressure, substance experimentation and abuse, sexual activity, depression, and behavioral problems.  Divorce was hard on us kids.  According to a longitudinal study, children whose parents later divorced exhibited higher levels of depression, anxiety, antisocial substance abuse, addictions, mental and physical health problems, and poor educational outcomes.

Due to the above mentioned research, there appeared to be a rise of absentee parenting in our generation.  Children were allowed to roam freely all day (and sometimes at night) with no adult supervision.  The whole “I had to come home when the streetlights came on” is a very real thing for many Gen Xers. Many kids had to “drink from the hose” on the weekends or during the summer as their parents would not allow them back inside their homes for hours at a time. I read many comments about parents “dropping off kids” here and there all day long with no adult supervision.  Many came home for dinner only to head back out again.  While all this freedom was exciting for us, and a lot of fun, we didn’t always make the best decisions with all that freedom, and sometimes we ended up in unsafe situations because our society was less safe than it was during previous generations. 

Vehicle safety support was nonexistent back in the day.  Drinking beer while holding an infant in one’s lap in the front seat of a pickup truck with no seatbelt on was sadly the norm.  My sister remembers driving down the New York state thruway in the back of one of my parents’ trucks, laying down with a large tarp draped over the bed of the truck traveling at a high rate of speed. 

There was very little support in many categories growing up. Here are just a few of the support deficiencies: child support payments were not commensurate with inflation and cost of living for the custodial parent, mental health supports were not in place, nor were substance abuse supports, medication supports, childcare supports for the working parent, and the list goes on.  One of the saddest comment threads I read was about the time when the Space Shuttle Challenger exploded in mid-flight in January of 1986.  Many of us kids were watching that whole episode on TV from school when it happened in live time.  Unfortunately, because emotions were not always handled properly back in the day, teachers would move the class right along as if nothing happened.  Kids were stunned and traumatized, but since mental health supports for kids were not available, everything was swept under the rug and “moved on from.”  In addition, there were also no child abuse reporting supports in place.  Sexual abusers were generally not reported, so they were free to move along and continue to abuse children. That’s why there was so much “passing the trash” at schools, churches, and universities back in the day.

Many of us grew up in a smoke cloud. I remember literally everyone in my family smoked, both in the house and in the car.  I remember some members of my family would actually roll the windows UP (not down) while driving, so that the car was filled with a raging smoke cloud. 

Gen X kids and their parents seemed to have a lot of trouble with displaying healthy emotions.  Our parents seemed to emotionally express themselves either too much or too little in the form of too much yelling and screaming, or too little in the form of suppressing emotions.  This led to many of us kiddos going to our bedrooms to cry and figure out emotions on our own. Many kids were taught that emotions were bad.

And finally, I’m not even going to touch the way Gen X kids were disciplined with a ten-foot pole, a leather belt, a hairbrush, a clothes hanger, a wooden spoon, or any other firm weapon of choice within grabbing distance of a very angry, red-faced parent.  Not gonna touch it.  

I had my mom proofread this article prior to publication as I didn’t want to hurt or offend her, plus I was interested in her feedback.  She told me that many of the supports listed above were not in place for her Boomer generation either, including but not limited to that fact that her dad was gone a lot, she played unattended until the streetlights came on, there was no vehicle safety, lots of looming cigarette smoke clouds, and emotions were not expressed in her home.  I thought long and hard about her points, which I found to be very good.  I told her that I thought the difference for Gen X was the high divorce rate, the dissolution of the nuclear family, and the huge changes in society and our culture which made our world less safe.  All of this made our growing up years potentially very difficult for some in our generation.

I am sure many Boomer and Silent Gen readers will resonate with her comments.  I admit I am still figuring out this topic and evolving as I go.   

Gen X tends to overcompensate:

Now that Gen X kids are all grown up, some of us overcompensate with our kids due to the lack of attention and nurturing we experienced as children.  Sometimes we swing too far on the pendulum and end up helicopter parenting or snow-plow parenting.  Here is a blurb on Gen X as parents of school aged children, and how we are pushy and powerful at times as we advocate on behalf of our own kiddos:

We’ve been taking care of ourselves since we started going to school, and we don’t trust authority figures, because they weren’t trustworthy when we were growing up. Our parents didn’t know what was going on at school, and our teachers didn’t know what was going on at home. We’re not going to let this happen to our children — not even for a second. We’ll do whatever we have to do to make sure our kids get what they need.  (source: https://www.edutopia.org/generation-x-parents-relationships-guide)

If we don’t find ourselves overcompensating at parenting, maybe we overcompensate at working, being successful, and making money so that we will be able to have all the stuff that we never had as kids. Maybe we overcompensate with our emotions by over explaining to our kids that it’s ok to have feelings and to express them.  Maybe we tell our kids we love them all the time because we didn’t hear those words growing up. 

Or, maybe you do as the title of this article indicates: you are just quietly working hard, raising your kids, making a living, and ruling your corner of the world.

Gen X adults are leaders:

As of 2023, the Boomers and the Silent Generation still represent the majority in the U.S. House and Senate and represent the leading Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump (President Biden is a member of the Silent Generation).  However, as the years tick by, Gen X will be stepping up to the plate in many leadership roles worldwide. 

Notable political Gen Xers include former Speaker Kevin McCarthy and his arch nemesis Matt Gaetz, current House Speaker Mike Johnson, Governor Gavin Newsome, Governor Ron DeSantis, former governor Nikki Haley, and Justin Trudeau, to name just a few.  Other influential Gen Xers include Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos (the two richest men in the world – to be fair Bezos was born in 1964), Larry Page, Sergey Brin (two more rich guys), Tom Brady, Reese Witherspoon, Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Tiger Woods, Dan Bongino, and David Muir, the newscaster for ABC World News tonight. I went to school with David, and we were friendly acquaintances. 

I find it interesting and ironic that on the cusp of this leadership turnover, the United States is going through cataclysmic changes both in our economy, our culture, our government, our technology, and our moral values as a nation. Our borders are out of control; our economy is not doing well (cereal is double the price where I live); our cities are experiencing a huge spike in crime; we no longer trust our political leaders; we are dealing with weather events like never before; the world is on fire (Ukraine, Israel); and the list goes on.  Things have dramatically changed in the United States culturally and morally. I have spoken to many Boomers and Silent Gen folks, and they are mourning the loss of the country they once knew and loved.  One of my parents, who is not even a person of a Christian faith, recently told me that they thought we might be going through what the Bible refers to as the “End Times.”  This parent went on to say that they had never seen anything like this in all their years.

I don’t know where we are as a nation, or where we are on the Biblical timeline, but I do know that Gen X is the generation that is going to have to manage it, govern it, and repair it (if possible).  I have been pondering if there is a connection to how we were raised, which formed and shaped us into these strong and independent adults, and how we are now on the brink of running the entire show, in much of the same cultural craziness as was experienced while we were being raised (but worse, in my opinion). 

Here is the question I am currently pondering:

Is it possible that God used the freedom and difficulties of our childhood experiences to shape us into the adults we are today, so that we are set to be leaders during this unique time in world history?

Healing my Gen X childhood:

I have written about my childhood in previous posts, and I will link them at the bottom of this article.  The bottom line is that I had a loving and stable childhood in some ways, and a difficult and dysfunctional childhood in other ways.  

I have been on a healing journey since I was a teenager. At 13, during a youth church service, I was healed from the sexual abuse I experienced as a child.  Later, I forgave the man who molested me and ended up leading him to Christ.  In my twenties, I was healed from the wound of rejection I experienced as a child by taking my walk-man and several cassette tapes (remember those?) to a coffee shop and listening to sermons on rejection by Pastor Charles Stanley. 

Forgiveness and grace are other themes I have worked on for many decades. I try to understand that my parents are imperfect people who parented and loved me in the best way they knew at that time.  Most of the way they parented me probably came from their own parents, for better or for worse. They did a very good job in many ways, and I am who I am today because of them.  Thank you to my four parents.  I love you! 

I also decided that it’s ok to communicate with my parents about ways they may have hurt me growing up.  Many years ago, I took a walk with one of my parents one night and told them (kindly, and with respect) that I didn’t feel that they made me a priority when I was younger, and that their inattention hurt my feelings.  I went on to tell this parent that, although they had hurt me deeply, I forgave them, as God has forgiven me.  I was shocked at their response, which was:

“That’s all in the past, and we need to move forward.”  

I was momentarily crushed at this parents’ response.  I went back to the drawing-board and had to re-forgive this parent and give them grace.  This parent was most likely repeating what they had learned from their own parents. After this interaction, I immediately made an inner vow that I would not make this same mistake with my own kids, and I have been a quality-time, present, loving, and relational parent ever since. 

I want to be the best, healthiest, and most spiritually mature adult I can be.  I want to be greatly used by God in this challenging season. My hope and prayer for you, fellow Xer, is that you will receive the healing you may need from your childhood wounds, if healing is needed. My other prayer for you is that you would realize how much God loves you and that He desires you to come into His family. God created you for a purpose, and He longs for you to know that He sent his only Son Jesus Christ to die on the cross for your sin and moral shortcomings, so that you can have a relationship with Him on earth and then go to heaven when you leave this earth (and, Gen Xers, we are half-way there). 

God has great plans for you and wants to use you in this unique time in world history!

On a practical note, I also hope you will find balance in every area of your life, forgive and give grace to your parents if you haven’t already, and look for ways to serve your fellow man in these very strange times we are living in!

Closing thoughts:

I want to end this deep post on a lighter note with a couple of funny stories. 

One of the things that Gen X is known for is being the “forgotten middle child” or the “forgotten generation.”  One of my girlfriends recently told me that, as they were scrolling through Facebook one day, she noticed that her stepmom had celebrated National Daughter’s Day on Facebook.  This put a smile on her face, as she expected to see a picture of herself and her sister on this post along with her stepmom’s other three daughters.  But lo and behold, there were only two girls out of five on the celebratory photo post.  It seemed that this parent had completely forgotten about my friend, her sister, and her other stepdaughter.  Go figure!

And finally, when the Chinese Spy Balloon was making its rounds all over the United States, Slim Sherry had a funny video on Instagram that made me laugh out loud.  

In it, she showed Gen X’s reaction to the spy balloon.  Each of the four Gen Xers in her video looked up to the sky, took out their bottle of alcohol, took a swig of it, and then promptly gave the spy balloon the middle finger!

When I relayed that story to my daughter’s boyfriend, who himself has Gen X parents, he started laughing and blurted out: 

“Are you serious?  That’s exactly what my parents did when they heard about the spy balloon! They went outside with a drink in hand and gave that spy balloon the finger!”

So to my Gen X brethren who have read this entire post, let the world continue to forget that we exist.  We are used to being forgotten, overlooked, and underestimated.

We like it that way.

We will quietly keep ruling the world by looking up to the sky in our strong, independent, sarcastic, and resourceful way.  My prayer is that we will look up to God for wisdom, healing, connection, forgiveness, and leadership during this unique time in world history.

But don’t be surprised if we also look up to the sky and give the middle finger to our enemy, because that’s also who we are as a generation. 

Don’t like that aspect of Gen X? 

Sorry, but in general, we don’t give a flip about what you think of us, or even if you think of us at all. 

__________________________________________________

Hey Gen X: I just published my first book! The book is about Christian deliverance, and how to reduce demonic activity in people and places. I share the struggles of what led me to seek out a deliverance for myself, how a friend and I started our own deliverance ministry, and what I learned about creative ways to do basic spiritual warfare to reduce demonic activity in people and places. I discuss the many negative symptoms of demonic oppression and the four doorways (trauma, occult involvement, ongoing sin, and generational curses), and teach everyday Christians how to command demons to leave people and places, in Jesus’s name. If you are struggling with demonic oppression, a haunted house, or other demonic activity and you’re not sure how to handle it, check out this book!

The link is here: https://a.co/d/4kDlJwH

Please leave your Gen X story or comment below! Comments are welcome! It is very hard to encapsulate an entire generation and I am sure I have missed many angles, nuances, challenges, and joys. Feel free to share. Please be kind to me and give me grace.

A note on the research I conducted for this blog post: I did a lot of actual research for this article, but didn’t want to bog this post down with this link and that citation.  For more information, please google “Wikipedia Latch key children” and “Wikipedia Generation X.”  I also used this source:https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/21st-century-childhood/202208/the-impact-divorce-children) for the research on divorce.  I found the 70 percent of Gen X is religious on the Pew research website. I also looked at other research that I didn’t end up using for this article, which pretty much confirmed everything I wrote.  I read a lot of Gen X social media threads and perused many comments from Gen X adults.   Some of what I used is from Slim Sherry, a social media influencer.  You can find her on Instagram.  She says the f-bomb a little, so that if that offends you, I don’t give a flip.  Kidding!  (Chris Biggs is also hilarious, and he has classic videos on growing up in the 80s.) And finally, I grew up smack in the middle of this bad boy, so that’s gotta count for something. Here are some posts about my childhood: Sexual Abuse, Forgiveness, and Janie’s Got a Gun – my story of healing and freedom after sexual abuse. There is also Blue Collar Girl Trapped in a White Collar Marriage. Finally, there is this one with lots of 80s references: The 1980s called; they want their rebellious teenager back!

Here is a blurb on some of the positive aspects of my childhood: When I think back on my own childhood, it was amazing in many ways.  I remember watching the launch of MTV from my best friend Hillary’s couch. (Side note: the 1980s had some of the best music hand’s down.) Hillary and my sister Jessie were my besties growing up, and the three of us enjoyed many adventures together, just roaming freely and playing outside.  I especially looked forward to Saturday morning cartoons, because my mom would allow us to eat “sugary” cereal on Saturday and Tuesday mornings. Later, when I became a teen, my other bestie Jennifer and I would ride our bikes all over Onondaga Valley. Thankfully, my sister and I were never latchkey children, as my grandmother Inge was able and willing to provide childcare after school and all throughout the summer.  She had a swimming pool made from materials used to build farming silos, so we enjoyed swimming during my entire childhood. After swimming, I remember Jessie and I would fight over the one good armchair whenever Little House on the Prairie would come on in the afternoon. I think I will remember the first four notes of the Little House theme song until the day I die.  😊

Qualifiers and apologies: I apologize ahead of time for any oversimplification and overgeneralization of an entire generation of humanity.  Not everyone in our generation had the same Gen X experience. Secondly, I apologize in advance to my Boomer and Silent Gen readers. It’s very difficult to write about Gen X without implicating our parents who raised us or casting them in a (somewhat) negative light.  That is not my intention.  Trying to parent during the Gen X years were challenging as there were so many changes in society happening all at the same time (divorce, women entering the workforce, the threat of nuclear war, to name a few). Despite some of the deficiencies and difficulties, our parents instilled is us kids an amazing work ethic, a respect for authority, a belief in God, and a respect for finishing school (and going to college). To all of my readers, please try to see the good in my writing and give me grace, as grace is a theme that I, too, am still working on. 

A few more photos for you if you are still here:

Anyone remember My Little Pony?

Thanks for reading and have a great day!

Adoption is all about the moments.

There have been many wonderful adoption-related moments over the past two decades of adding children to our family through the miracle of adoption.

Here are just a few of the highlights:

I remember the first moment I received a random package in the mail and opened it up, only to find a framed photo of a baby along with a note.  The note stated that we had been selected by a birthmother to parent her recently born baby girl!

I remember jumping up and down and screaming: “We’ve been selected! We’ve been selected” to my cat, who was the only other living creature home at the time. I immediately called Erik (my husband) at work and together we rejoiced over the phone.  A few weeks later, we drove down to Lynchburg, Virginia and met our new baby for the very first time (see photo below)! That little baby girl turned out to be our wonderful daughter Claire, who is now a very mature, kind, smart, and resourceful eighteen-year-old young woman who is taking on-line college classes and has a bright future ahead of her.

Then there was that moment a few years later when we had been selected by a birthmother to parent her baby boy. However, we learned that the birthfather would not relinquish his parental rights. Nine long months ticked by. But then one day, we received a phone call from our social worker letting us know that a judge had ruled against the birthfather, which was basically a small miracle of God, and that we could come get our baby at any time!  

That one phone call was yet another moment of pure joy for my husband and me. Logan is now 14 years old and is very athletic and social. He is doing great in life and in school.

Another joyful and memorable moment occurred the first time I laid eyes on Khloe, our third daughter whom we adopted from Ukraine.  At the time, we were sitting in a small, 1980’s style office in a random orphanage in Poltava, Ukraine. The orphanage director brought in this extremely tiny (like size 4T tiny) blonde-haired eight-year-old girl with a huge bow in her hair. This little girl looked up at us with wonder in her ocean blue eyes while she suppressed a huge, awkward grin.  This was the first time that anyone had ever visited her! Khloe is now 19 years old, in community college, is a great basketball player, and is doing very well in many areas of life!

These moments are probably the highlights of the last twenty years of adding children to our family. 

Sadly, there have been at least three times the number of lowlights in the area of infertility and adoption over that same period.

In this post, I want to “highlight some of the lowlights” of our adoption and infertility journey, because not everything about adoption is peaches and cream.

These difficult experiences have taught me many lessons over the years, and I will share just a portion of them with you in this post.

My hope is that I can encourage you, my Dear Reader, if you find yourself in a similar place of disappointment or difficulty, even if our circumstances are different.

Spoiler alert: this post will have a happy ending, so make sure you read all the way to the end!

Our IVF Story:

The first lowlight I’d like to highlight goes way back to the beginning (2007); back to when my husband and I were still grappling with infertility, which affects about 15% of all couples.

A few years after our adoption of Claire, Erik and I attempted two IVF procedures. At the time, these procedures were considered “cutting edge” for those who were struggling with advanced infertility. We were reluctant to even attempt an IVF procedure, but we felt like God was directly guiding and even leading our every step with many signs to keep going along the way. He even raised up a member of our family to pay for the entire first procedure!  God continually gave us full faith that this was His will and even that the IVF procedure would lead to a pregnancy.  We went out on the “faith limb” and believed that God would work through this procedure to give us a biological child, even though our fertility doctor assured us that our chances of becoming pregnant were “zero to five percent, with the emphasis on zero,” (his exact words).

In order to even attempt an IVF treatment, both of us had to undergo medical testing to make sure that there would be enough “material” to work with for the IVF procedure.  Thankfully, I had enough eggs to work with.  A biopsy from a urologist confirmed that Erik had a small number of sperm available; enough to make something happen. The clinic technicians froze that sample, and I started on some medication to make me produce many eggs. We were off to a good start!

When the “big day” of egg retrieval and fertilization arrived, the clinic technicians thawed Erik’s sperm sample to be ready for my egg retrieval.  However, upon thawing the sample, they were shocked to find that all the sperm material had completely dissolved!

The technicians looked for hours and couldn’t even find a single sperm to work with, even though there was a small number present before freezing. Remember, for fertilization to occur, you literally only need one sperm and one egg.   

I still remember the exact moment the doctor called us.  Erik and I had been waiting all afternoon and into the evening for a phone call from the clinic.  In order to pass the time, we prayed and listened to Christian music, in full faith that the procedure would work out.

When the phone finally rang, I could tell in the very first nano-second that the procedure had been a failure, just by the tone and inflection of the doctor’s voice.

We were devastated.  We were also confused. 

Why had God seemingly pushed us to do a procedure and then have it completely fail?

We were spiritually wounded and ready to give up.  We prayed again that God would guide our steps, and that if it was His will for us to do one more IVF, He would make it clear. 

To make a long story short, God made it clear that He wanted us to yet again pursue another IVF procedure. 

We met with our IVF doctor about options, and he told us that a “new doctor” who did a more advanced procedure had just moved to the Washington, D.C. area (where we lived at the time) and that we should at least agree to meet with him.  We had actually read about this procedure prior to this, but it was only being offered in New York City at the time and cost $30,000 (too expensive for us). 

We met with this new doctor, and he told us more about the advanced procedure he offered. He stated that this new IVF procedure used new technology which could locate individual live sperm (no more freezing and thawing), and that we were good candidates with about a 40 percent chance of a successful procedure. He also told us that it was much more affordable than the procedure done in New York.

Erik and I felt comfortable and even hopeful at this news and agreed to one more procedure.

The big day came and once again, the technicians could not even find one sperm to work with.  Not even one!

After the procedure, the doctor came in and said he was deeply sorry.  We could tell he had actually been crying! We thanked him for trying to help us, and then I cried all the way home in the car.

This experience was deeply disappointing and in fact, devastating.  And again, I was confused as to why God would lead us to do a procedure that He knew would not be successful.

We moved on from ever attempting to have biological children using modern medicine and decided that adoption was, once again, our best option. A year later we adopted our beautiful son Logan, and then later we adopted Khloe from Ukraine. 

To learn more about our struggles with infertility, please see the link at the end of this post.

After our adoption of Khloe, things have gotten “stuck” with our attempts to add even one more kiddo to the family. 

In addition to getting stuck and not being able to complete our family with one more child (a heart’s desire that remains for both Erik and me to this very day, after years of prayer and fasting), we find ourselves at the start of 2023 with more questions than answers, and with a slew of disappointments under our belt.

Here are just a few of the lowlights and disappointments we have experienced over the last several years:

Disappointing Hosting Experiences:

We have hosted several kids from Ukraine and Latvia with a heart to potentially adopt one or two of them, and while hosting is extremely worthwhile and is an excellent form of ministry (and really is a lot of fun), it has not led to an adoption of any of the children we have hosted. The reasons are numerous and multifactorial but include the following: our host kids were not even available for international adoption after hosting staff assured us that they were, hidden siblings we knew nothing about, undisclosed severe autism and incorrect/misleading information with one of our host kids, and caregivers being unwilling to give up the host kids’ guardianship status.

Hosting has, however, brought us to Nina, the girl we are presently trying to adopt from the country of Ukraine (which I will get to in a moment). It also brought us to Lasma, the older orphan from Latvia, whom we love like another daughter and have an ongoing and close relationship with.

I am so thankful that there has been much good that has come out of orphan hosting and I highly recommend it.  However, it has not led to an adoption of any child at this time.

Failed Latvian Adoption:

After we adopted Khloe, we decided to adopt a boy from Latvia as Erik’s mom and dad are descendants from that small Baltic country. Latvia also had a solid and dependable program at that time.

In our minds, with the adoption of this one boy, our family would be completed, and we could all move on with our lives!

We finished all the paper and other physical work that went into an international adoption and sent our dossier to Latvia.  At the time, we were told we would receive a referral after six to nine months.  Many months flew by, and still no referral.  We changed our parameters to include a sibling group of two, special needs kids, older kids, etc. in order to increase our chances of any adoption at all.  Erik even obtained his Latvian citizenship as we were told that it would help our chances.

Three years ticked by, and we never received a referral! 

Then one day we received a letter from Latvia stating the following: “due to the popularity of our domestic adoption program, we do not anticipate sending you a referral of any children.”

After three years of wasted time and prime real estate ages for my other kiddos, Latvia was a closed door.

So frustrating and disappointing and yes, even devastating!

Difficult situation with a Birthmother:

Another recent difficulty occurred with one of our birthmothers.  To make a long story short, she has basically decided to have more of a closed adoption with our family after we had enjoyed an open adoption with her for many years.  She had previously accepted this child as a part of her family, but more recently, she no longer desires to be a part of his life (and he is not welcome into hers).  There is more I could say about this, but I will stop here. Suffice it to say, this situation has been extremely hard on our entire family and especially for the impacted child.

Stalled Ukrainian Adoption:

This one is still in process, so I am hoping and praying for a happy ending.  After we decided to adopt Nina (the host girl I previously mentioned), we had completed all the paperwork and physical work of our home study and dossier and sent everything to Ukraine in February of 2022.  Two days later, Russia invaded Ukraine.  Unfortunately, we learned later that Ukraine decided to not work on any adoptions, even those already cleared for international adoption or to even consider those dossiers that were sitting in-office, which included our dossier as well as the dossiers of two other women I knew personally. Ukraine has also refused to let U.S. families with connections to Ukraine orphans either sponsor, host, or allow respite housing for any Ukrainian orphans. It seems Ukraine is nervous about all of us American families just permanently keeping their orphans here and not returning them after the war (even though that would never happen).

All adoptions are still suspended one year later.  Nina is now displaced in Germany. 

Will we ever get to adopt Nina?  Will Ukraine make us redo all the paperwork and physical work of our adoption and start from scratch?  I really don’t know.  I remain moderately hopeful that someday Nina will join our family, even if she comes here as an older teen.

But either way, this situation is also hard and disappointing to say the least.

Very Difficult Child: One of our children has been especially difficult to raise on several levels.  This child struggles with attachment disorder and many other delays and difficulties. I would love to report that after several years of pouring into this complicated kiddo, that much progress has been made.  Sure, progress has absolutely been made on many levels, but this child has plateaued on many more, especially in the areas of kindness, loving other people, desire to change, executive functioning, selfishness, and anger.  

Miracle Pregnancy Letdown:

Finally, for two decades I believe that God spoke to us and invited us to believe Him for a miracle pregnancy.  God spoke to us using the Bible, prophetic words from pastors during church, and many other unique and powerful methods and words.  However, to this day, I have never been pregnant once, and I am at the age and stage in life where this would be even more impossible to happen than it was before (if that’s possible!).  This deeply disappointing and confusing chapter of my story has been a long journey, and I admit I am still struggling with it. Why would God speak to me for 20 years about something amazing and then never provide it?  I don’t really know the answer, but I believe in heaven there will be a child or children waiting for me and my husband. Or there will be some sort of explanation from God as to why we have walked this difficult and head-faking road.

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The above stories are several examples of the ways that despondency, dejection, discouragement, delay, difficulty, devastation, and the mac daddy that ties it all together – deep disappointment — has reared its ugly head for my husband and me in the area of building and completing our family.

But I have learned a thing or two over the last twenty years and I can honestly say that, considering lessons learned, I am doing much better in all areas of my life, whether we ever adopt another child!

So without delay, here are four lessons I have learned about disappointment and difficulty, and what it produces, as it pertains to infertility and adoption.  Perhaps you can grab something in here for yourself.

Lesson One: The root of my disappointment is a disappointment in GOD.

At the root of all my disappointment is that I am secretly disappointed in God. Specifically, God and His ways, His timing, His methods, what He allows or ordains, and for a perceived lack of Him answering my many heartfelt prayer requests.

The remedy I have learned over the years is very simple but also very difficult: absolute (almost) blind faith and trust in God–faith and trust that God is good and is always working for my good in ways I somehow cannot see at this time.  I have faith that somehow, as I look back over the years, all the delays, disappointments, and difficulties will make more sense.  If it never seems to make sense on earth, it will eventually make sense in heaven. 

I have learned the value of praying the prayer of relinquishment, which I first learned about from Catherine Marshall (a well-known Christian author).  In her books, she states that we should always be in a continual mindset of “God, I want this, but I want Your will more.  May Your will be done,” with basically every area of life.  She states that not only is this a key to answered prayer, but it will help us to be at peace with every hardship God may allow for us.  Jesus prayed this prayer right before He died on the cross. When I pray this prayer, it is my way to be completely submitted to God’s plan for my life, whether good or bad, because I believe that God will use it for my good and for the good of my family, and that in the end, it will all make sense. 

Lesson Two: Disappointment is a tool that draws me closer to God and develops deep character within me (that I really need but don’t necessarily want).

I read a book years ago by Kay Arthur, where she claims that life’s disappointments are “God’s appointments” to make us more like Christ. I agree with this and would add that infertility and adoption have been God’s primary shaping tool in my life in the area of personal and character development, pride-slasher, introspection-builder, patience-developer, judgementalism-exposer, and sin-and-weakness-revealer, to name just a few of the positive traits that have been forged in the furnace of affliction. 

These ocean-deep character qualities are underdeveloped in most humans and require certain chiseling tools which cut very deep and are often very painful.  For some reason, God has allowed me to go very deep with my personal character development over the last twenty years.

What has been the result of all this chiseling?

I am a much different, and dare I say better, version of myself than I was twenty years ago. 

I can handle more hardship.  I am a better listener.  I am more empathetic and others’ oriented. I can handle stress and large amounts of pressure.  I can handle disappointment.  I don’t stay in a constant depressed state.  I am more joyful, happy, and free deep inside. I sleep well at night without constant racing thoughts.

I am a more spiritually mature Christian.

I used to run away from God in hurt and anger.  Not anymore!  I run to Him and ask Him to help me and to heal me.  I always feel better after I pray. I have more peace and calm about literally everything!

An example of this lesson applied to real life pertains to the above-mentioned very difficult child. I have learned many lessons over the years with respect to this kiddo, which include but are not limited to the following: realizing that I struggle to love difficult people consistently, that I truly need God’s greater grace to love this child in a way that they need to be loved, and to let go of secret expectations, hopes, and dreams for my relationship with this child going forward, and to leave all of that in God’s capable hands. Raising this child has been a shaping tool in my life for my personal and spiritual growth.

The bottom line is that much good has come from these last very difficult twenty years. Maybe someday I will look back on them and be very grateful.  I am not in that place yet, although I can certainly see many benefits for me personally that have come from the last two decades.

Lesson Three: Sometimes God gives you a version of what you are praying for (but not exactly what you are hoping/praying/looking for).

Sometimes God gives you a “version” of what you are praying and hoping and believing for.  An example would be that we are licensed foster parents but have not yet accepted our first placement.  Maybe we will form a tight bond with our foster kiddo, and he/she will be a wonderful addition to our family, though not a permanent one by law.

Another possible example pertains to Nina.  I have decided that even if we only get her over here on a student visa, having her live with us and go to college here, that that scenario would be a “version” of my heart’s desire to have her in our family.  After college, she might be able to live in the U.S. permanently. Bottom line? Maybe we will be able to have her in our family (of sorts) for her older teen years and beyond.

Not what I would prefer, but much better than nothing for sure!

Lesson Four: God is always doing a new thing, so expect good things from Him in the future!

A few weeks ago, God spoke to me using a pastor on YouTube about how past disappointments can lead a person to not being able to have expectant faith in the goodness of God.  As soon as he said those words, tears sprung to my eyes and I cried out, “Yes, Lord! I am afraid to have faith in your goodness in the area of children, because I am so afraid of being let down!”

I went home and decided to clump all of the old prayer requests together–the ones that have yet to be answered–and labeled them “The House of Shit and Pain.” 😊 That house included other prayer requests I had been hoping to see progress with for years, that sadly seemed to go unanswered by God. 

I then lit the whole house of unanswered prayer requests on fire in my mind. The entire thing went up in flames metamorphically.

Why?

I needed a clean slate. I wanted to start over with God.  I wanted to believe that He is truly good, and to expect good things from Him going forward.

I can honestly report that after the “house burning,” I feel much better and much more at peace. 

I am reminded of this verse found in the book of Isaiah (43:18,19):

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”

More lessons:

Here are a few more nuggets of wisdom, forged in the flames, in bullet form:

• I am a much stronger person after enduring these trials.  As the saying goes, ‘you are only as strong as your weakest link.’  I have had decades to strengthen faults and weaknesses along my fence-line, so to speak.
• I have learned to be content with the family I have and to treasure them. I have three beautiful kids and one awesome husband!
• When things are hard, it draws me closer to God, which is what is best for me. 
• God is looking for tested faith and my free choice to love, trust, and serve Him.  If things are easy and going well, there is not much testing going on.
• Sometimes tests are used to reveal whether or not God truly is the most important thing in our life.  Other times tests just show you where the breaks are along the fence-line of your life.  Lastly, tests are also used to show you how bad-asterix you really are in a pinch, and then you can feel confident that you have actually grown as a person, which feels awesome!
• All of the hardships over the years have forced me to experience tested faith in God.  I have been faithful to Him even when it’s hard and confusing, and I will believe in Him and trust in Him until the very end.  And someday it will all make sense!  Even if complete perspective and knowledge comes in heaven.
• For some reason, God is primarily interested in tested faith.  It seems to do something “special” for Him.  He tends to put me in situations where I need to cling to Him with a blindfold on. 
• I believe I will “see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living” (Psalm 27:13), even if it’s later and different than I would prefer.
• Life makes sense looking backward but must be lived walking forward. This is true with all aspects of life. I have faith that someday I will have a much broader perspective, which will bring understanding to these confusing decades. For example, we look back and see that, had IVF been successful, we most likely would not have adopted either Logan or Khloe. We love them both and they belong in our family. Another example would be if our Latvian adoption had worked out, I am not sure we would have hosted all of those beautiful kiddos. We never would have met Lasma or Nina. They, too, are a part of our family now.
• It’s ok to not give up praying about something.  Some prayer requests take decades to get answered or to find resolution.  I also keep reminding God that I am open to whatever His will is for our lives, and I continue to ask for guidance in my prayers. We continue to desire more children in our family in whatever form that looks like, and we also have the ability to adopt them (financial and otherwise).  If one of these two criteria changes, we will reevaluate.

And many more minor and major lessons have been learned over the years.

In closing, the other day I was shopping at a store and found a little wooden plaque that piqued my interest.  The plaque said:

“God makes happy endings. So if it’s not happy, then it’s not the end!”

I burst out laughing at the insanity of that little plaque.

 “That’s terrible theology!” I mumbled to myself as I remember the story of John the Baptist, whose life ended in a beheading. The Bible is filled with many other non-happy endings, and I can look at my own life for more raw material.

On impulse, I ended up buying that little plaque because I sense there is some truth in it for me.

Here is the truth that I believe is contained within that cliché-laden piece of wooden inspiration:

I believe in the goodness and kindness of God.  I believe God when He says: “I know the plans I have for you.  Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.  Plans to give you a hope and a future.” –Jeremiah 29:11

God has a plan.  I don’t know how it will all end up, but I know that one day, it will all make sense.  I hope that it will make sense on this earth, but even if it does not, all things will work themselves out in heaven, and everything will be made clear at that time.

I also know that God is in control and using all the disappointments of infertility and adoption to shape me to be more like Jesus.  This benefits me too, because the more I become like Jesus, the more I will be filled with peace, depth, and wisdom as I live out the rest of my life.

I can be filled with expectant faith in the goodness of God, but maybe let go of the specific expectations of how that might exactly look.

I can still be happy with my life by looking around and being content with what God has already given to me: my husband, my three kids, my three pets, my extended family and friends, and my beautiful home.

Lastly, even if we never adopt another child, I will be ok.  But here’s hoping for either another adoption or at least a “version” of more children in our family in the future!

In conclusion, here is some wisdom from the little wooden plaque as it pertains to our adoption situation and really, all areas of life:

God makes happy endings, so if it’s not happy, then it’s not the end.

Even if the end is in heaven!

“I remain confident in this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.” –Psalm 27:13

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A note from Heather:

I just published my first book! The book is about Christian deliverance, and how to reduce demonic activity in people and places. I share the struggles of what led me to seek out a deliverance for myself, how a friend and I started our own deliverance ministry, and what I learned about creative ways to do basic spiritual warfare to reduce demonic activity in people and places. I discuss the many negative symptoms of demonic oppression and the four doorways (trauma, occult involvement, ongoing sin, and generational curses), and teach everyday Christians how to command demons to leave people and places, in Jesus’s name. If you are struggling with demonic oppression, a haunted house, or other demonic activity and you’re not sure how to handle it, check out this book!

The link is here: https://a.co/d/4kDlJwH

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If you would like read more about our failed Latvian adoption: From Latvia: “No, you cannot adopt.” (An update on our adoption situation)

If you would like to read about our stalled Ukrainian adoption: Russia Little Crazy, But it’s OK

This is how our infertility journey began: Infertility and Adoption – How I made peace with both

The list goes on: Orphan hosting (and hosting to adopt) – Ten Things You Need to Know; A long awaited mother’s day (Claire’s adoption story); Little Boy Lost (Logan’s adoption story); My Adoption Story (by Khloe, Age 13); and this is a good one about God’s timing: What the Star of Bethlehem Tells Me About Our Upcoming Adoption. There are more adoption-related posts on my site, so feel free to dig around. Take care! Thanks for reading!